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posted by LocalArtistist
Do you work at Subway? Because you just gave me a footlong.
Hi, do you want to have my children? [No] OK, can we just practice then?
There will only be 7 planets left after I destroy Uranus.
You're like my little toe, because I'm going to bang you on every piece of furniture in my home.
I'm no weather man, but you can expect mais than a few inches tonight.
Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
oi babe, how about a pizza and a f**k? [No] What's wrong, don't you like pizza?
Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.
Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore - my face should be among them.
oi baby, I think you just made my two por four into a four por eight.
I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle.
You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night.
What's the speed of sex? [what?] 68. Because at 69 YOU have to turn around!
I'm an astronaut and my seguinte mission is to explore Uranus.
If I had AIDS, would you have sex with me? [No] Well, I don't, so let's go.
Excuse me, but do you give head to strangers? [No] Well then, allow me to introduce myself.
Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
(Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.
Hold out two fingers and say: "Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?" (I don't know.) "'Cause they're mine sweetheart."
Let's go back to my room and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply.
Do you wanna come to the Marines, or would your rather have a Marine come into you?
There are 265 bones in the human body. How would you like one more?
Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
oi baby, as long as I have a face, you'll have a place to sit.
Do you take Visa?
How do you like your eggs? Poached, scrambled or fertilized?
You smell... We should go take a chuveiro together.
Would you like a hotdog to go with those buns?
Are you a virgin? [No] Prove it!
You bring a whole new meaning to the word, "edible."
I don't know what you think of me, but I hope it's X-rated.
I'm a writer, you're a writer, how about we get naked together and put some poesia in motion?
"I have this magic watch that can actually talk to me. Seriously, it's saying something right now. It says that you're not wearing any underwear, is that true?." [No.] "Oh wait, my watch is an hora fast!
I like your hair, your eyes, your smile... I like every bone in your body... Especially mine!
Lets play "Titanic." When I say "Iceburg!" you do down.
Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under.
This is a condom. If we put it on, we can have sex.
Do you believe in free love? [No] Then how much do you cost?
Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?
Hi, I'm gay. Do you think you can convert me?
If I'm a pain in your ass... We can just add mais lubricants.
[Walk into her chest] "If they weren't sooo large, it wouldn't have happened!"
What are you doing tonight? Besides me, of course?
Will you be my girlfrien? I left out the 'd' cause you'll get that later!
My name is Skittles... wanna taste my rainbow?
Are those pants on sale? Cause they're 100% off at my place!
I'm with the TSA and I need to perform a full body cavity search, for security reasons.
I only have 12 hours to live... please don't let me die a virgin.
I'm bigger and better than the Titantic - only 200 women went down on that vessel!
What is a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
What has 132 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
With my IQ and your body, we could make a race of superchildren and conquer the earth!
added by zombiestars
oi this is the 5th episode of Nick Reviews! This is a very special review, as I shall review the most evil company...Video Brinquedo! Why is it evil? Takes plagiarizes every good kids movie! Here are some examples.

Offender #1: Gladiformers.

Do I even need to explain this one? It's a transformers knock off that doesn't come from the Dollar Tree/Store.

link

Offender #2: Ratatoing

This movie rips off Ratatouille, a pixar film. It pretty much has the worst animation, a terrible plot, and the voices are terrible.

Offender #3: Little and Big Monsters

Oh gosh, this rips off Monsters vs Aliens. The monsters...
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(A/N) Still has gayness! cussing! and sex! so enjoy biggums! ^-^ xXx


~Ty's POV~

A week after Alice found out i was gay she invited Jason and I for some coffee.

"We should go, it would be fun" Jason said hugging me from behind.

"Coffee with my sister would be fun?" I asked grabbing his hands perched on my collarbone.

"Yeah, now that she knows, we can be ourselves, and we're pretty fucking awesome people" Jason said letting go and sitting on the couch.

I sat beside him, "Well, we are fucking awesome, fine we'll go."

Jason smiled and kissed my cheek.

I turned and kissed him on his lips.

I pulled away and...
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posted by MarMar_XigLux
Okay, first thing's first. Determine whether or not you are actually in a horror movie. Let's weigh the factors:

* You are, most likely, a bored teenager with nothing to do.
* You are, most likely, considerably worthless to society.
* You are, most likely, an idiot.
* You have, most likely, attracted the attention of a maniac in the past 24 hours.
* You, for no reason in particular, are looking up hints on how to survive in a horror movie.

-----

The following rules apply universally to nearly all horror movies. Print them out and keep them in your wallet. Glance at them every five minutos or so. Memorize...
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from the internet :)

1. Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.

2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.

3. At stop lights, eye the person in the seguinte car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.

4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words "Help me” on your back window in red paint. The mais it looks like blood, the better.

6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.

8. Stop at the green lights.

9. Go at the red ones.

10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie...
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The following dumb laws are, or were at some point, actually laws in the United States listed below. Now, before you go any further do know that I'm not a lawyer nor am I claiming any responsibilty if you bail off and do something stupid or try using something here as a defense in court (rofl at that).

Alabama

In Jasper, it is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
It is illegal to play Dominos on Sunday.
Putting...
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I am sorry if this offends anyone, this is just for fun, i got bored. And i really hope you enjoy this.

Doofus (doo-doo that fusses)
Dough-head (play-dough head)
Dur-hur (ummmmmm.... idk actually)
Twidiot (a twin thats an idiot)
Dumbo (a dumb person named bo)
Baka (stupid cow, japenese its stupid, spanish its a cow)
Gerd (Girl nerd)
Girlilla (a girl that looks like a gorilla)
Gurd (girl turd)

If anyone has anymore ideas, please comment and i will make another of these. Ok now i have to make mais lines.
__________________________________________________
amor and Marriage:

"If falling in amor is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -- Glenn, age 7


"Love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -- John, age 9


"I think you're supposed to get shot with an Arqueiro or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." -- Manuel, age 8


"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." -- Mae, age 9


"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." -- Greg, age 8


"Once...
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Just randomly found this:

1. Throw pipoca in the air and yell, “It’s snowing!”
2. Go, “Oooooh…” whenever anyone kisses.
3. Clap when the good guy gets killed.
4. During the previews, yell, “Can you fast-forward it?”
5. Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, “Watch out!”
6. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
7. Tell the man selling pipoca that the bathroom is flooding.
8. Yell out what is going to happen.
9. Wear a cape and when its your turn to get pipoca yell, “I’m Batman! Hahaha!” and run away.
10. Say that they cannot sit seguinte to you because you invisible...
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Mother kept girls locked away from the world for seven years
Three girls who were imprisoned por their mother in a house of indescribable filth for seven years may never recover from the ordeal, experts have said.

The girls were shut away from the outside world, existing in almost complete darkness, playing only with mice and communicating in their own language.

When they were discovered, their início in a smart, upper middle-class suburb had no running water and was filled with waste and excrement a metre high. The floor was corroded por mice urine.

The case has stunned Austria, still reeling from...
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1. You can do whatever you damn well please.

2. Shave your legs and the razor is never dull from his face.

3. Not only is your razor not dull, who needs to shave at all now?

4. You can leave bra and other unmentionables in view.

5. You can slump around the house in any old thing.

6. You don't having to think about birth control, calendars or ovulation. Mother Nature can visit whenever she likes.

7. You can go out and flirt as much as your coração desires, without a worry in the world.

8. The toilet assento issue -- need I say more?

9. Free drinks at bars! Men seem to know when you're single and tend to...
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Dress up like one of the photographers and follow people around asking them repeatedly if they would like their picture taken.
Leave large gaps in between you and the people in front of you while waiting in line.
Every time you pass a chain restraint not in use, clip it on and use it to hold back the people behind you in line.
Ask the person running the roller coaster if someone has recently thrown up on it.
Pretend to freak out on a ride so they stop it to let you off.
Offer people money for their spots in line . . . Monopoly money.
Speak in Spanish, or pretend you're deaf and start making rapid...
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I am pondering this question, it is a very difficult one to figure out. I can not seem to think of anything to make an artigos on....

2 Hours Later

Wait I think I have an idea coming on... nope I lost it... wait no I found it again... What if I write an artigo about reasons why you should do pointe
1. you get to be taller
2. you can use them in self defense
3. you can... what you don't think that's a good idea... oh well back to the drawing board...

1 hora Later

Ok what about this... What happened when I invested in Eyepatches... hmmm titles to long how about My Eyepatch Investment.... sounds good......
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posted by ShadowFlame
THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY. Check out these actual cases:

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section
of forest while assessing the damage done por a forest fire. The deceased
male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his
back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from
massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive
identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully
clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the dia of the...
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added by jeniffer2200
added by fatoshleo
Source: @fatoshleo
I'm bored, so I thought I'd share with you a few websites online that you can design characters! You all probably have either created characters, like for fanfictions, stories, or just in your mind, and here are some websites where you can design their appearance! Or you could always make yourself and use it as a snazzy avatar/profile pic, or make characters from books/movies/etc. that already exist! There are tons of websites out there, these are just a few.
link
This website is por far the best superhero generator I've found. Basically you use it to make your dream superhero!!! (I use it to...
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posted by Quirnechia
mais people in history of war have been killed in the name of God (any religion) then any other reason for war
Hellenologophobia - the fear of greek terms
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
Nearly a third of all bottled drinking water purchased in the US is contaminated with bacteria.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over 1 million descendants.
You are mais likely to be struck por lightning than to be eaten por a shark.
You are mais likely to be infected by...
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Grammar and spelling issues have been discussed several times and I just thought I would give my opinion on the subject. This artigo is mostly aimed for those who call themselves "Grammar Nazis", but I would be mais than glad that everyone else reads it as well, including the "Grammar Nazis" that aren't overly critical. Before I go on, I will point out that my English may not be so good since it is not my first language and I'm not studying it, but I'm trying as hard as I can to improve it every day, so my apologies if anything I've said here isn't understandable.

So having good grammar and...
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posted by australia-101
 Skittles vodka, vodca
Skittles Vodka
Things You'll Need:

A handle (1.75 liters, about a half gallon) of vodka, vodca per bag of Skittles

A large bag of Skittles doces (the "movie size" bag)

Each handle of vodka, vodca (1.75 liters, about a half gallon) requires a large bag worth of Skittles, so if you plan on doing only one flavor for a flavorful vodka, you'll have to buy 5 large bags of Skittles.

Coffee filter or extremely clean t-shirt
Large funnel or strainer to hold filter

Steps:

1. Separate the as cores of Skittles that you want to flavor the vodka, vodca with. Many people choose to leave out the green, which is lima, limão if you are using original Skittles,...
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