Here's the famous 'Best Divorce Letter' por Dan to Connie, pretty hilarious, definitely a must read! xD
Dear Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
The dia you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first on to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first mover as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.
This is what my coração says "There's no one like you, Connie. I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close."
Two weeks atrás I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her início with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19 with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. F***ing like you wouldn't believe and bunda that just wouldn't quite. Every man's dream, right?
As I sat on the sofá being blown por this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better coração than my modestly attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.
Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her suttee shameless hunger; but something also, some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol that singe mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped por last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later; but that's no the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the seguinte thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can here us. And all of the sudden, she sports that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves and it's totally hot, but it makes e sad too because I can't help thinking "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday your sister drops por with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vickie’s just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good conselhos about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together. Connie, she really is.
So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bath and taking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole oral thing, and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring all I can do is think of you? It's true Connie. In your coração you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please please please, let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the f***ing remote is?
amor Dan
link the link to the actual letter.
Dear Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
The dia you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first on to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first mover as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.
This is what my coração says "There's no one like you, Connie. I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close."
Two weeks atrás I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her início with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19 with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. F***ing like you wouldn't believe and bunda that just wouldn't quite. Every man's dream, right?
As I sat on the sofá being blown por this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better coração than my modestly attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.
Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her suttee shameless hunger; but something also, some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol that singe mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped por last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later; but that's no the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the seguinte thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can here us. And all of the sudden, she sports that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves and it's totally hot, but it makes e sad too because I can't help thinking "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday your sister drops por with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vickie’s just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good conselhos about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together. Connie, she really is.
So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bath and taking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole oral thing, and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring all I can do is think of you? It's true Connie. In your coração you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please please please, let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the f***ing remote is?
amor Dan
link the link to the actual letter.
I wondered if you could hear my coração in your sleep,
Recognize the smell of my skin in your dreams,
Touch my lips when you wake up,
And whisper in my ears while I sleep.
I pondered all that as you fell asleep to my heartbeat,
Breathing softly on my chest with one of your hands still feeling me.
And when I wake up it was your lips,
Or maybe it's all just a dream.
But when I declared "I amor you",
I could feel your lips at my ear,
Whispering the sweet melody,
Of everything I ever wanted to hear.
Recognize the smell of my skin in your dreams,
Touch my lips when you wake up,
And whisper in my ears while I sleep.
I pondered all that as you fell asleep to my heartbeat,
Breathing softly on my chest with one of your hands still feeling me.
And when I wake up it was your lips,
Or maybe it's all just a dream.
But when I declared "I amor you",
I could feel your lips at my ear,
Whispering the sweet melody,
Of everything I ever wanted to hear.
So my uncle told me this joke and I HAD to post it:
So two blondes walk into a bar and sit at the counter. They order drinks, high five, and yell "Three months!" They finish their drinks and repeat.
The bartender is curious and asks, "What does 'three months' mean?"
One blonde explains. "You see, we bought a puzzle and it said on the front '3-6 years', but we finished it in three months!"
Got to be the dumbest blondes on earth!
Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala.
So two blondes walk into a bar and sit at the counter. They order drinks, high five, and yell "Three months!" They finish their drinks and repeat.
The bartender is curious and asks, "What does 'three months' mean?"
One blonde explains. "You see, we bought a puzzle and it said on the front '3-6 years', but we finished it in three months!"
Got to be the dumbest blondes on earth!
Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala.
(hello people i am mais happy now ok so i did another poem and it was actualy happy this time)
