Survey reveals topo, início 50 funniest jokes ever told
[HK]
A joke about a male bus passenger insulting a woman's ugly baby has been voted the funniest gag ever told. Researchers examined mais than 1,000 jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 and getting 36,000 people to vote for their favourites. Source: Onepoll.com
Comedy genius Tommy Cooper had por far the most jokes in the list, which also includes gags por Peter Kay and Lee Evans.
Jokes ranged from the legendary one-liner about a zoo with just one dog being a 'shitzu' - to ones about wives, husbands, blondes and foreigners.
The study was carried out after Tim Vine's joke "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again." was voted the best of this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
A spokesman for OnePoll, which carried out the research, said: "The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny - but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not.
"It's nice to see jokes from the greats like Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson are still up there and the ugly baby tale is a worthy winner.
"Many of the jokes in the list are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years or more."TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man seguinte to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun comprar and buys a handgun. The seguinte dia she comes início to find her husband in cama with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in amor - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop cantar the 'Green Green grama of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
11. I went to the doctors the other dia and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
15. There's two peixe in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other dia but I couldn't find any.
17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I amor the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to denunciar a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''.
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a encontro, data but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
24. A sanduíche walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve comida in here''
25. The other dia I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
27. Went to the paper comprar - it had blown away.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?''
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other dia I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this pato came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
33. I was having jantar with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
37. I swear, the other dia I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a tartaruga disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
40. I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a caiaque were chilly. But when they lit a fogo in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your caiaque and heat it.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in amor with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
46. I'll tell you what I amor doing mais than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
48. Went to the corner comprar - bought 4 corners.
49. A foca, selo walks into a club...
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
[HK]
A joke about a male bus passenger insulting a woman's ugly baby has been voted the funniest gag ever told. Researchers examined mais than 1,000 jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 and getting 36,000 people to vote for their favourites. Source: Onepoll.com
Comedy genius Tommy Cooper had por far the most jokes in the list, which also includes gags por Peter Kay and Lee Evans.
Jokes ranged from the legendary one-liner about a zoo with just one dog being a 'shitzu' - to ones about wives, husbands, blondes and foreigners.
The study was carried out after Tim Vine's joke "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again." was voted the best of this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
A spokesman for OnePoll, which carried out the research, said: "The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny - but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not.
"It's nice to see jokes from the greats like Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson are still up there and the ugly baby tale is a worthy winner.
"Many of the jokes in the list are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years or more."TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man seguinte to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun comprar and buys a handgun. The seguinte dia she comes início to find her husband in cama with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in amor - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop cantar the 'Green Green grama of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
11. I went to the doctors the other dia and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
15. There's two peixe in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other dia but I couldn't find any.
17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I amor the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to denunciar a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''.
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a encontro, data but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
24. A sanduíche walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve comida in here''
25. The other dia I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
27. Went to the paper comprar - it had blown away.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?''
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other dia I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this pato came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
33. I was having jantar with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
37. I swear, the other dia I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a tartaruga disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
40. I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a caiaque were chilly. But when they lit a fogo in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your caiaque and heat it.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in amor with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
46. I'll tell you what I amor doing mais than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
48. Went to the corner comprar - bought 4 corners.
49. A foca, selo walks into a club...
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
Tuvalu
Age - 18
Gender - female
friends - Palau, Fiji, Nauru (me), Marshall Islands
Personality - bossy
Her aleatório symbol - †
Palau
Age - 19
Gender - Female
friends - Tuvalu, Australia NZ, Nauru (sister)
Personality - nice
Her aleatório symbol - ♦
Nauru (me)
Age - 30's
Gender - Female
friends - EVERYONE!!
Personality - creepy
Her aleatório Symbol - ♣
NZ
Age - secret
Gender - male
friends - Australia, Kiribati (younger sister), Cook Islands
Personality - VERY NICE
His aleatório Symbol - ‡
Tonga (Tonga66, the only user I know mais than you all because she is my sister)
Age - 24
Gender - female
friends - EVRYONE
Personality - SUPER FRIENDLY
Her aleatório sister - ♥
I KNOW I LEFT SOME BUT DONT GET MAD AT ME, AND NO IM NOT ADDING ANYMORE COUNTRIES
Bye
Age - 18
Gender - female
friends - Palau, Fiji, Nauru (me), Marshall Islands
Personality - bossy
Her aleatório symbol - †
Palau
Age - 19
Gender - Female
friends - Tuvalu, Australia NZ, Nauru (sister)
Personality - nice
Her aleatório symbol - ♦
Nauru (me)
Age - 30's
Gender - Female
friends - EVERYONE!!
Personality - creepy
Her aleatório Symbol - ♣
NZ
Age - secret
Gender - male
friends - Australia, Kiribati (younger sister), Cook Islands
Personality - VERY NICE
His aleatório Symbol - ‡
Tonga (Tonga66, the only user I know mais than you all because she is my sister)
Age - 24
Gender - female
friends - EVRYONE
Personality - SUPER FRIENDLY
Her aleatório sister - ♥
I KNOW I LEFT SOME BUT DONT GET MAD AT ME, AND NO IM NOT ADDING ANYMORE COUNTRIES
Bye
oi everybody there''s a contest on here that the kings of parodies The Nyackers are doing it's about that song All about that baixo por Meghan Trainor. If u do this they will make a fã club about u and make the artigo their own. But their are rules no copying their articles, no insulting people like someone else did and It needs to be Original. so if u have funny lyrics to this song then por all means come par take in this contest but hurry up it ends Dia das bruxas eve. Or U can make a spoof about it either way if u par take in this u MUST start It Immediately to have a chance to win so work fast if ur in. I was first so U have to try and topo, início me.
1. Your grandpa's horse's dandruff is in the shower.
2. The raisins on the counter are crunchy.
3. You can stuff a travesseiro with the rato pele, peles on the sofá alone.
4. Your nightstand is jammed with garbage from middle school.
5. Clay dust from your old arts-and-crafts project is in your AC.
6. There are a hundred roach-sized headstones littering your cabinets.
7. Your cleaning supplies are only in your closet for show.
8. People hit the gas every time they drive down your street.
9. There's a dust bunny colony in your sheet.
10. You don't even have much of a sheet anymore.
(At least five of these are from personal experience. Pictures would be appalling here.)
2. The raisins on the counter are crunchy.
3. You can stuff a travesseiro with the rato pele, peles on the sofá alone.
4. Your nightstand is jammed with garbage from middle school.
5. Clay dust from your old arts-and-crafts project is in your AC.
6. There are a hundred roach-sized headstones littering your cabinets.
7. Your cleaning supplies are only in your closet for show.
8. People hit the gas every time they drive down your street.
9. There's a dust bunny colony in your sheet.
10. You don't even have much of a sheet anymore.
(At least five of these are from personal experience. Pictures would be appalling here.)
~ barium tetraiodomercurate
~ barium hexafluorosilicate
~ beryllium acetylacetonate
~ barium pyrovanadate
~ dichlorodifluoromethanefreon
~ trichloromethanemethyl trichloride
~ dimethylsulfoniopropionate
~ tetrahydrocannabinol
~ nitridotriphosphorous hexafluoride
~ pentafluorosulfanyldifluoroamine
~ aluminium-gallium-indium phosphide
~bismuth nitrate pentahydrate
~ tetrafluoroethylene
~ bromoisobutyric acid
~ cyclopentadienyl anion
~ acetylbutyric acid
~ butyl glyoxylate
~ hydroxypropyl acrylate
~ propyl pyruvate
~ decaprenoastaxanthin
~ barium hexafluorosilicate
~ beryllium acetylacetonate
~ barium pyrovanadate
~ dichlorodifluoromethanefreon
~ trichloromethanemethyl trichloride
~ dimethylsulfoniopropionate
~ tetrahydrocannabinol
~ nitridotriphosphorous hexafluoride
~ pentafluorosulfanyldifluoroamine
~ aluminium-gallium-indium phosphide
~bismuth nitrate pentahydrate
~ tetrafluoroethylene
~ bromoisobutyric acid
~ cyclopentadienyl anion
~ acetylbutyric acid
~ butyl glyoxylate
~ hydroxypropyl acrylate
~ propyl pyruvate
~ decaprenoastaxanthin
I'm back again! I'm reviewing Godzilla 2014!
Plot: Godzilla must defeat the evil MUTO, with the help of scientists and soldiers.
This movie...is one of the most filmes of 2014! The effects were beautiful, the fights were amazing, and everything was just awesome!
Score: 5/5
Music: The score was amazing...the Shakuhachi made the atmosphere feel great!
Score: 5/5
Characters(Heroes): While I will admit that Godzilla doesn't appear til' about 45 minutos in. And the human characters are alright. Ken Watanabe plays probably the most awesome scientist ever!
Score: 4/5
Characters(Villains): The MUTOs are both amazing! Its a great display of Sexual Dimorpisim (The Male MUTO can fly, and the Female MUTO has eight legs).
Score: 4/5
Final Thoughts: If you want to start watching Godzilla movies, put this on the list!
Final Score: 18/20
Would I recommend it? YES
Plot: Godzilla must defeat the evil MUTO, with the help of scientists and soldiers.
This movie...is one of the most filmes of 2014! The effects were beautiful, the fights were amazing, and everything was just awesome!
Score: 5/5
Music: The score was amazing...the Shakuhachi made the atmosphere feel great!
Score: 5/5
Characters(Heroes): While I will admit that Godzilla doesn't appear til' about 45 minutos in. And the human characters are alright. Ken Watanabe plays probably the most awesome scientist ever!
Score: 4/5
Characters(Villains): The MUTOs are both amazing! Its a great display of Sexual Dimorpisim (The Male MUTO can fly, and the Female MUTO has eight legs).
Score: 4/5
Final Thoughts: If you want to start watching Godzilla movies, put this on the list!
Final Score: 18/20
Would I recommend it? YES
Hi I'm back! And today I shall be reviewing Maleficent!
Plot: The evil Maleficent returns in this modern re-telling of Sleeping Beauty!
This movie should not have been called a "Re-Telling", it's completely different! Why did they make Maleficent the hero?! And the ending made no sense!
Score: 2/5
Music: Now I'll admit it, I thought the música was so-so. I liked "Once Upon a Dream" was pretty good.
Score: 3/5
Characters(Heroes): I thought that Elle Fanning was adorable as Aurora. And Brenton Thwaites was a pretty good Prince Phillip. The 3 Fairy Godparents were annoying.
Score: 3/5
Characters(Villains): I thought it was an odd choice picking Angelina Jolie to play Maleficent. The odd thing was I never felt sorry for her. She curses an infant for Godzilla's sake!
Score: 1/5
Final Thoughts: If you are into villains being shown as heroes, this movie is for you. For anyone else, no.
Final Score: 9/20
Would I recommend it? NO
Plot: The evil Maleficent returns in this modern re-telling of Sleeping Beauty!
This movie should not have been called a "Re-Telling", it's completely different! Why did they make Maleficent the hero?! And the ending made no sense!
Score: 2/5
Music: Now I'll admit it, I thought the música was so-so. I liked "Once Upon a Dream" was pretty good.
Score: 3/5
Characters(Heroes): I thought that Elle Fanning was adorable as Aurora. And Brenton Thwaites was a pretty good Prince Phillip. The 3 Fairy Godparents were annoying.
Score: 3/5
Characters(Villains): I thought it was an odd choice picking Angelina Jolie to play Maleficent. The odd thing was I never felt sorry for her. She curses an infant for Godzilla's sake!
Score: 1/5
Final Thoughts: If you are into villains being shown as heroes, this movie is for you. For anyone else, no.
Final Score: 9/20
Would I recommend it? NO
Rant 2: Geewuners!
I'm baaack!
Here's something that annoys me: Geewuners!
If you're new to the concept, Geewuners are people who are fãs of transformers G1 and think that everything is crap! Not all G1 fãs are Geewuners, as I like G1 myself. But the difference between me and Geewuners is that I like Armada, Beast Wars, Beast Wars 2, Beast Wars Neo, Beast Machines, Robots in Disguise, Cybertron, Energon, Bayformers, Prime, and Go!
I know that they want to keep their "Nostalgia", but come on, it's not just for you. Just ask the millions of people who watch and buy Micheal Bay's Transformers.
On a different note, people should open their minds to the transformers 4 Dinobots. I know they're not G1 Dinobots, but their not supposed to be!
I just think that Geewuners should open their minds to other series.
I'm baaack!
Here's something that annoys me: Geewuners!
If you're new to the concept, Geewuners are people who are fãs of transformers G1 and think that everything is crap! Not all G1 fãs are Geewuners, as I like G1 myself. But the difference between me and Geewuners is that I like Armada, Beast Wars, Beast Wars 2, Beast Wars Neo, Beast Machines, Robots in Disguise, Cybertron, Energon, Bayformers, Prime, and Go!
I know that they want to keep their "Nostalgia", but come on, it's not just for you. Just ask the millions of people who watch and buy Micheal Bay's Transformers.
On a different note, people should open their minds to the transformers 4 Dinobots. I know they're not G1 Dinobots, but their not supposed to be!
I just think that Geewuners should open their minds to other series.
