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A quick run-down should you ever find yourself trapped in a horror movie and would prefer to live to tell the tale.
1. Don’t have sex.
-Seriously
-Abstinence is key.
2. Don’t go out with people you’ve just met that day.
-I don’t care how good he says his weed is
-he is cuckoo bananas
-and he wants you dead.
3. Don’t go to camp. Especially one where someone was murdered.
-There are six words you should YouTube, should you get the chance
-“Kevin bacon, toucinho in Friday the 13th”
4. Find a good hiding place and… STAY. THERE.
-If the killer can’t see you or hear you WHY WOULD YOU MOVE?
-Possibly the easiest rule to follow and, ironically enough, the easiest to break.
5. Always wear sensible shoes, ‘cause you never know when you’ll need to run through the woods.
-Someone will always be barefoot
-Or in heels
-Or just plain clumsy
-And will sprain their ankles
-And die.
6. If the town looks deserted, it’s probably because everyone is dead.
-Don’t walk around looking for people
-House of Wax, anyone?
7. Don’t be a hero.
-Unless you’re name is Harry Fucking Potter, you will die.
-Hell, maybe even then.
-I mean.
8. If you hear something creepy in the distance, like a dog’s yelp cut off mid-bark, don’t investigate.
-The killer is there.
-Also your dog is dead.
9. Always check the backseat before entering your vehicle.
-The last thing you need is to be killed while trying to merge on the expressway.
10. If your car breaks down in front of a dilapidated gas station, don’t ask a sketchy-looking townie for help.
-Some part of your body will wind up in his pick-up truck
11. Don’t go into the basement.
-They are creepy enough without you dying in one.
12. If you’re trying to buy a house and the real estate agent won’t answer any direct perguntas about either the history of the início or the anterior tenants, DO NOT mover IN.
-At some point, someone in the house heard voices and cracked.
13. Turn off the televisão (and run away) if a girl crawls out of it.
-It is obviously your wisest choice.
-SEE ALSO: poltergeist, daughter trapped in tv because of.
14. If the walls of your house bleed, do not attempt an exorcism.
-Move very very far away
-Because there’s blood on your walls.
-Blood.
-Your
-Walls
-Are
-Bleeding.
15. Don’t act like a detective.
-Some crazy Japanese kid who meows like a cat will attack you in a closet.
-If you live, awesome story to tell your friend, right?
-But if you die, it is like the opposite of awesome.
16. google the location you’ll be vacationing at.
-If mais than five reports for “Missing Persons” pops up, you know not to go there.
-Issue. Solved.
17. Don’t get drunk. Or come under the influence of any mind-altering drug.
-Running away from a killer is that much harder when you’re tipsy and giggling.
18. If you see someone in a mask, don’t assume it’s one of your friends playing a trick on you to scare you.
-It is the killer.
-ALSO: laughing while saying, “Tommy, is that you in that stupid mask? Oh, I’m so-o-o-o-o scared!” is not conducive to your surviving.
-Killers are very sensitive about their disguises.
19. Don’t take a shower.
-ONLY APPLIES IF:
-It’s past midnight at the campground you and your sorority sisters are staying at or
-The lock to the door doesn’t work and you hear creepy piano music
AND THE LAST AND MOST IMPORTANT:
20. If the call is coming from inside the house, get out.
-Clearly the killer is not outside, now is he
A quick run-down should you ever find yourself trapped in a horror movie and would prefer to live to tell the tale.
1. Don’t have sex.
-Seriously
-Abstinence is key.
2. Don’t go out with people you’ve just met that day.
-I don’t care how good he says his weed is
-he is cuckoo bananas
-and he wants you dead.
3. Don’t go to camp. Especially one where someone was murdered.
-There are six words you should YouTube, should you get the chance
-“Kevin bacon, toucinho in Friday the 13th”
4. Find a good hiding place and… STAY. THERE.
-If the killer can’t see you or hear you WHY WOULD YOU MOVE?
-Possibly the easiest rule to follow and, ironically enough, the easiest to break.
5. Always wear sensible shoes, ‘cause you never know when you’ll need to run through the woods.
-Someone will always be barefoot
-Or in heels
-Or just plain clumsy
-And will sprain their ankles
-And die.
6. If the town looks deserted, it’s probably because everyone is dead.
-Don’t walk around looking for people
-House of Wax, anyone?
7. Don’t be a hero.
-Unless you’re name is Harry Fucking Potter, you will die.
-Hell, maybe even then.
-I mean.
8. If you hear something creepy in the distance, like a dog’s yelp cut off mid-bark, don’t investigate.
-The killer is there.
-Also your dog is dead.
9. Always check the backseat before entering your vehicle.
-The last thing you need is to be killed while trying to merge on the expressway.
10. If your car breaks down in front of a dilapidated gas station, don’t ask a sketchy-looking townie for help.
-Some part of your body will wind up in his pick-up truck
11. Don’t go into the basement.
-They are creepy enough without you dying in one.
12. If you’re trying to buy a house and the real estate agent won’t answer any direct perguntas about either the history of the início or the anterior tenants, DO NOT mover IN.
-At some point, someone in the house heard voices and cracked.
13. Turn off the televisão (and run away) if a girl crawls out of it.
-It is obviously your wisest choice.
-SEE ALSO: poltergeist, daughter trapped in tv because of.
14. If the walls of your house bleed, do not attempt an exorcism.
-Move very very far away
-Because there’s blood on your walls.
-Blood.
-Your
-Walls
-Are
-Bleeding.
15. Don’t act like a detective.
-Some crazy Japanese kid who meows like a cat will attack you in a closet.
-If you live, awesome story to tell your friend, right?
-But if you die, it is like the opposite of awesome.
16. google the location you’ll be vacationing at.
-If mais than five reports for “Missing Persons” pops up, you know not to go there.
-Issue. Solved.
17. Don’t get drunk. Or come under the influence of any mind-altering drug.
-Running away from a killer is that much harder when you’re tipsy and giggling.
18. If you see someone in a mask, don’t assume it’s one of your friends playing a trick on you to scare you.
-It is the killer.
-ALSO: laughing while saying, “Tommy, is that you in that stupid mask? Oh, I’m so-o-o-o-o scared!” is not conducive to your surviving.
-Killers are very sensitive about their disguises.
19. Don’t take a shower.
-ONLY APPLIES IF:
-It’s past midnight at the campground you and your sorority sisters are staying at or
-The lock to the door doesn’t work and you hear creepy piano music
AND THE LAST AND MOST IMPORTANT:
20. If the call is coming from inside the house, get out.
-Clearly the killer is not outside, now is he
