"She couldn't get out of bed. Couldn't find the will to even check her phone, with no new texts or emails. Lately it had felt like breathing was too much of an effort. Everything was too much, too hard, too much for her to handle. How had this happened? It seemed like one dia she woke up, and it hit her. Life wasn't worth living anymore. School had taken over her life, the drama she chose to ignore was getting out of control. Somehow she'd slipped through the cracks, while making sure she didn't fall off the cliff. Her friends hadn't even noticed that she wasn't there when they looked into her eyes. Everyone was so caught up in themselves and their own problems.
The days seem darker when you're depressed. The sun doesn't shine as bright, people's smiles aren't as genuine as you thought they were. Your bones ache and just when you think you've cried all the tears you could possibly cry for one night, it hits you again like a wrecking ball. There are some days I feel so guilty that I hate myself. I don't have cancer, I'm not orphaned, I'm not bullied. I have no reason to feel this way... yet I do. When you're depressed, you get to the point where you just ignore emotions that are too much for your mind to handle. Even after talking to patients that have overcome depression for several years, they still ignore making decisions that cause emotional turmoil. It's not something you can escape. This isn't a game - there are no timeouts, halftimes. You're in this for the long haul.
But not everyone is faced with a life-long sentence. Some get out. Luckily, I was one of them. I didn't do it on my own; I was no where near strong enough to put myself back on my own two feet. My journey to recovery didn't happen instantly - I'm pretty sure no one's does. It took weeks, months - and some days I'm still not completely sure that I ever got over it.
Do you ever get a pain in your chest that you just can't get rid of? Oh that pain, it still hurts. When you realize everything around you is a lie. You experience first hand how dramatically people can change. How everything you've known was a story made up from someone's imagination. You were too blinded por the motions of everyday life to see the truth. The signs were everywhere, I should have known. I believe sometimes we ignore the truth because we can't accept it. That's where depression starts, is when you finally accept the truth. You can't change what is. And it hurts to know that no matter how much effort you put it, nothing can change that. Somewhere deep inside of you, something breaks. A switch is turned off, turned on; something within your soul changes and molds you into a new person. The way you see simple things. Someone's eyes when they're embarrassed; the blush on someone's cheeks when someone gives them a compliment. Why can't I be them, one of the happy people? They make it look so easy. Why can't it be easy for me?
Trust is so fragile. Everything you've worked toward for so long can be broken with a single word. It's fascinating and terrifying, truly. Believe a lie for years, then finding out that one simple truth - it can tear you apart. You've got to find something, someone, to build you back up, pull you together again. It's never a simple thing to do. They may not even realize that they're doing such a difficult task. Those are the best kind of people - the generous kind. They give you just enough to realize there is reason behind life. I found out that I had purpose, I had a reason to live. Happiness is not only an emotion, it's a mindset. Before someone else can make you happy, you have to find happiness within yourself. Accept the simple truth of who you are.
Thank you for your time."
The group was silent. No one knew exactly what to say. This girl was only 16 years old, what did she know about happiness and depression and finding yourself? Everyone was dumbfounded.
Looking at the floor in discomfort, she walked back to her chair. Being placed in the mental hospital hadn't done that many wonders for her. She was still the outcast, the weird one, etc. She was used to the stares when people found out she was a proclaimed "genius" that suffered from severe depression.
The group leader cleared his throat. "Well, let's continue with the exercise. Who's next?"
The time dragged until time to be released to go outside to the picknick tables, play, write, paint, do whatever you wanted. She sat on the bench farthest away from any of the other patients as possible. She had always loved to paint. Her mother had never said she liked any of the paintings she gave to her, because they didn't make sense. But painting would always come segundo to writing. She sat with the blank page and water as cores when she felt a tap on her shoulder.
The youngest boy from group today was standing over her right shoulder, looking at her invisible painting. "Whatcha painting there?"
"Oh, time. Space." Her respostas didn't phase the awkward boy.
"It looks nice. Very accurate portrayal." He twisted his thumbs a few times, clearly something weighing heavy on his mind. "I loved your speech today," and he ran off.
She sat, still facing the direction in which the boy had run off, for a long time. Everything around her began to change. A peace of mind came over her. She had touched someone's life. Even in the simplest way. Before, she was always rejected. Too different. Too smart. Too much for a public school to handle. Too much. Too much.
But at that moment, she was just enough. She was enough for herself, and that was enough to make her happy, if just for a moment.
The days seem darker when you're depressed. The sun doesn't shine as bright, people's smiles aren't as genuine as you thought they were. Your bones ache and just when you think you've cried all the tears you could possibly cry for one night, it hits you again like a wrecking ball. There are some days I feel so guilty that I hate myself. I don't have cancer, I'm not orphaned, I'm not bullied. I have no reason to feel this way... yet I do. When you're depressed, you get to the point where you just ignore emotions that are too much for your mind to handle. Even after talking to patients that have overcome depression for several years, they still ignore making decisions that cause emotional turmoil. It's not something you can escape. This isn't a game - there are no timeouts, halftimes. You're in this for the long haul.
But not everyone is faced with a life-long sentence. Some get out. Luckily, I was one of them. I didn't do it on my own; I was no where near strong enough to put myself back on my own two feet. My journey to recovery didn't happen instantly - I'm pretty sure no one's does. It took weeks, months - and some days I'm still not completely sure that I ever got over it.
Do you ever get a pain in your chest that you just can't get rid of? Oh that pain, it still hurts. When you realize everything around you is a lie. You experience first hand how dramatically people can change. How everything you've known was a story made up from someone's imagination. You were too blinded por the motions of everyday life to see the truth. The signs were everywhere, I should have known. I believe sometimes we ignore the truth because we can't accept it. That's where depression starts, is when you finally accept the truth. You can't change what is. And it hurts to know that no matter how much effort you put it, nothing can change that. Somewhere deep inside of you, something breaks. A switch is turned off, turned on; something within your soul changes and molds you into a new person. The way you see simple things. Someone's eyes when they're embarrassed; the blush on someone's cheeks when someone gives them a compliment. Why can't I be them, one of the happy people? They make it look so easy. Why can't it be easy for me?
Trust is so fragile. Everything you've worked toward for so long can be broken with a single word. It's fascinating and terrifying, truly. Believe a lie for years, then finding out that one simple truth - it can tear you apart. You've got to find something, someone, to build you back up, pull you together again. It's never a simple thing to do. They may not even realize that they're doing such a difficult task. Those are the best kind of people - the generous kind. They give you just enough to realize there is reason behind life. I found out that I had purpose, I had a reason to live. Happiness is not only an emotion, it's a mindset. Before someone else can make you happy, you have to find happiness within yourself. Accept the simple truth of who you are.
Thank you for your time."
The group was silent. No one knew exactly what to say. This girl was only 16 years old, what did she know about happiness and depression and finding yourself? Everyone was dumbfounded.
Looking at the floor in discomfort, she walked back to her chair. Being placed in the mental hospital hadn't done that many wonders for her. She was still the outcast, the weird one, etc. She was used to the stares when people found out she was a proclaimed "genius" that suffered from severe depression.
The group leader cleared his throat. "Well, let's continue with the exercise. Who's next?"
The time dragged until time to be released to go outside to the picknick tables, play, write, paint, do whatever you wanted. She sat on the bench farthest away from any of the other patients as possible. She had always loved to paint. Her mother had never said she liked any of the paintings she gave to her, because they didn't make sense. But painting would always come segundo to writing. She sat with the blank page and water as cores when she felt a tap on her shoulder.
The youngest boy from group today was standing over her right shoulder, looking at her invisible painting. "Whatcha painting there?"
"Oh, time. Space." Her respostas didn't phase the awkward boy.
"It looks nice. Very accurate portrayal." He twisted his thumbs a few times, clearly something weighing heavy on his mind. "I loved your speech today," and he ran off.
She sat, still facing the direction in which the boy had run off, for a long time. Everything around her began to change. A peace of mind came over her. She had touched someone's life. Even in the simplest way. Before, she was always rejected. Too different. Too smart. Too much for a public school to handle. Too much. Too much.
But at that moment, she was just enough. She was enough for herself, and that was enough to make her happy, if just for a moment.
