The Last Goodbye
I am standing on my tiptoes with my arms around him and he is bending down so that I can reach. There are tears of joy, and cheering. It is too loud to hear even my own thoughts but somehow I still manage to hear the sound of my coração in my ears as I cling to my friend. After a long moment, we both pull back slightly and my hands slide over the strange fabric of his bright blue graduation gown. I look up at him knowing this could be the last times I see my most treasured friends. His hand leaves my shoulder, and he places it lightly on my face. My coração nearly stops as something in his face changes. Every nerve in my body is on edge. Why is he doing this to me? I know he doesn’t feel the same he has never even considered it. Still he slides his hand slowly progressivo, para a frente and down until his thumb is touching the corner of my mouth. The tip of his finger traces the line of my bottom lip until it reaches the center of my lips and rests there. He isn’t looking at my eyes he is looking at his hand as he slowly pulls his thumb lower and the pressure causes my lips to separate. I let out a hot breath and the air hits his skin, and he lowers his thumb and the rest of his fingers mover until he is holding my face por the chin. I have been waiting for this moment for so long. I have been waiting for him to stop seeing me as his young freshman friend that he watched graduate high school and finish the first ano of college. He is finally seeing me, a young woman. He really is the perfect guy. He never thought of me in a degrading way, he was always gentle, kind, and wise. He never saw how much harder that made it for me to resist, and now he is looking at me and I know he is truly seeing me for the first time. He is leaning toward me, it’s a scene I’ve played in my head so many times it hurts, and all I can think is:
“Don’t.”
I whisper the word with closed eyes and pull away. He lets go and both our arms fall to our sides. The confusion in his light brown eyes is clear, but I don’t know if it is caused por my words, or por his sudden realization that I’m not a little kid anymore but I explain anyway.
“Jonathan, this isn’t you, and I can’t do this. As much as I would amor to just stand here and let this happen—let you kiss me—and forget that you are leaving soon, forget that I may not ever see you again after this summer, forget that afterwards you will regret it with all your heart, and then have to break mine, I can’t. But if you do, if you can see us. If you think you could amor me, for mais than just today then do it. kiss me. But unless you have thought about it, unless you have weighed the pros and cons, unless you see the possibility for a real relationship here—don’t. Unless you know in your coração that this isn't just something you will feel now and regret later, then please, don’t.”
A tear rolls down my face and mais swim in my eyes blurring my vision and I can hardly see his face. In that dividido, dividir second—my taste of eternity—it felt as though all the hurt in the world was mine to bear. The moment stretched forever, I was conscious of ever heartbeat that didn’t happen, while I waited for my dreams to shatter or come true. Then I blinked, and the rest of the tears came flooding down clearing off my eyes so I can see him. He is just staring and thinking. He doesn’t mover and I don’t breathe. Then his gaze leaves the floor, and he is looking in my eyes again. For the segundo time in all the years that I’ve known him he touches my face and pulls me close, but his lips instead of meeting mine draw close to my ear, and in a chocked voice he whispers:
“I’m sorry.”
I am standing on my tiptoes with my arms around him and he is bending down so that I can reach. There are tears of joy, and cheering. It is too loud to hear even my own thoughts but somehow I still manage to hear the sound of my coração in my ears as I cling to my friend. After a long moment, we both pull back slightly and my hands slide over the strange fabric of his bright blue graduation gown. I look up at him knowing this could be the last times I see my most treasured friends. His hand leaves my shoulder, and he places it lightly on my face. My coração nearly stops as something in his face changes. Every nerve in my body is on edge. Why is he doing this to me? I know he doesn’t feel the same he has never even considered it. Still he slides his hand slowly progressivo, para a frente and down until his thumb is touching the corner of my mouth. The tip of his finger traces the line of my bottom lip until it reaches the center of my lips and rests there. He isn’t looking at my eyes he is looking at his hand as he slowly pulls his thumb lower and the pressure causes my lips to separate. I let out a hot breath and the air hits his skin, and he lowers his thumb and the rest of his fingers mover until he is holding my face por the chin. I have been waiting for this moment for so long. I have been waiting for him to stop seeing me as his young freshman friend that he watched graduate high school and finish the first ano of college. He is finally seeing me, a young woman. He really is the perfect guy. He never thought of me in a degrading way, he was always gentle, kind, and wise. He never saw how much harder that made it for me to resist, and now he is looking at me and I know he is truly seeing me for the first time. He is leaning toward me, it’s a scene I’ve played in my head so many times it hurts, and all I can think is:
“Don’t.”
I whisper the word with closed eyes and pull away. He lets go and both our arms fall to our sides. The confusion in his light brown eyes is clear, but I don’t know if it is caused por my words, or por his sudden realization that I’m not a little kid anymore but I explain anyway.
“Jonathan, this isn’t you, and I can’t do this. As much as I would amor to just stand here and let this happen—let you kiss me—and forget that you are leaving soon, forget that I may not ever see you again after this summer, forget that afterwards you will regret it with all your heart, and then have to break mine, I can’t. But if you do, if you can see us. If you think you could amor me, for mais than just today then do it. kiss me. But unless you have thought about it, unless you have weighed the pros and cons, unless you see the possibility for a real relationship here—don’t. Unless you know in your coração that this isn't just something you will feel now and regret later, then please, don’t.”
A tear rolls down my face and mais swim in my eyes blurring my vision and I can hardly see his face. In that dividido, dividir second—my taste of eternity—it felt as though all the hurt in the world was mine to bear. The moment stretched forever, I was conscious of ever heartbeat that didn’t happen, while I waited for my dreams to shatter or come true. Then I blinked, and the rest of the tears came flooding down clearing off my eyes so I can see him. He is just staring and thinking. He doesn’t mover and I don’t breathe. Then his gaze leaves the floor, and he is looking in my eyes again. For the segundo time in all the years that I’ve known him he touches my face and pulls me close, but his lips instead of meeting mine draw close to my ear, and in a chocked voice he whispers:
“I’m sorry.”
when i just have been through the worse in my life
my eyes turn black,my skin turns white
i'll be like a ghost
life has been sucked right from me
i feel my skin tearing apart like it's going to shred
i'm shaking and lonely and cold
but it's funny that my only savior is just a little sharp metal thing
just a small razor can heal me that much?!
better than anybody i have ever known
i slide my left arm just a little as a start and i feel like i need mais and mais and more...
until i can not get enough
but then i feel so good,almost satisfied
watching my blood spilling on the floor,drop after drop very slowly
that's just the hottest painful pleasure i have ever experienced
i feel so unbalanced,so numb
i don't know if i need someone to touch me or to shoot me to know that i'm still alive
but i know i won't stop
i'll cut myself and fuck the wound
i'll lick my blood for all my pain
my eyes turn black,my skin turns white
i'll be like a ghost
life has been sucked right from me
i feel my skin tearing apart like it's going to shred
i'm shaking and lonely and cold
but it's funny that my only savior is just a little sharp metal thing
just a small razor can heal me that much?!
better than anybody i have ever known
i slide my left arm just a little as a start and i feel like i need mais and mais and more...
until i can not get enough
but then i feel so good,almost satisfied
watching my blood spilling on the floor,drop after drop very slowly
that's just the hottest painful pleasure i have ever experienced
i feel so unbalanced,so numb
i don't know if i need someone to touch me or to shoot me to know that i'm still alive
but i know i won't stop
i'll cut myself and fuck the wound
i'll lick my blood for all my pain
Sobriety is beyond a horizon for you,
One you won't be alive to even get to.
Your mind is set to be dead in 10
Years, my fears, my tears,
don't matter, your emotionless, here.
My bothersome phone calls,
"I'm just checking in"
"Yeah, I don't care"
I can't ever win.
My eyes are taped open,
horrific imagens replay,
and even when I close them,
they're imprinted in my mind,
they're there to stay.
Blackness engulfs me,
like a whirlpool of nothing,
Your arch nemesis,
Your pal,
Your meaningless suffering.
Why do you do this,
to yourself, and to me?
I don't get why you mess around,
just let yourself be!
One you won't be alive to even get to.
Your mind is set to be dead in 10
Years, my fears, my tears,
don't matter, your emotionless, here.
My bothersome phone calls,
"I'm just checking in"
"Yeah, I don't care"
I can't ever win.
My eyes are taped open,
horrific imagens replay,
and even when I close them,
they're imprinted in my mind,
they're there to stay.
Blackness engulfs me,
like a whirlpool of nothing,
Your arch nemesis,
Your pal,
Your meaningless suffering.
Why do you do this,
to yourself, and to me?
I don't get why you mess around,
just let yourself be!
Here I phase
Here in my old age
Here I run with no place to go
Here I stand with no purpose
Here I am with no show,
No lights,no cameras,no grace
Here I am with this world having me in it's tight embrace.
But I won't give in.
For God Loved me so.
Here I am in this place,
Here I am just watching the world race.
Watching the world fall apart,
Here I am just waiting for a new start.
As this breaks my heart,
I know I will cadastrar-se God's cart,his army,his people and I will live in heaven above.
Here I am asking you,
What will you do?
Here I am watching you phase,
Here I am watching you turn to old age.
With no place to go,
Here I am telling you don't want to low.
As we change and as we grow,
This world will face judgment,This I know.
Don't turn to old age,
Don't get lost in the world's maze.
Save you self.
Don't let yourself phase.......
Here in my old age
Here I run with no place to go
Here I stand with no purpose
Here I am with no show,
No lights,no cameras,no grace
Here I am with this world having me in it's tight embrace.
But I won't give in.
For God Loved me so.
Here I am in this place,
Here I am just watching the world race.
Watching the world fall apart,
Here I am just waiting for a new start.
As this breaks my heart,
I know I will cadastrar-se God's cart,his army,his people and I will live in heaven above.
Here I am asking you,
What will you do?
Here I am watching you phase,
Here I am watching you turn to old age.
With no place to go,
Here I am telling you don't want to low.
As we change and as we grow,
This world will face judgment,This I know.
Don't turn to old age,
Don't get lost in the world's maze.
Save you self.
Don't let yourself phase.......