Edward and Carlisle in a hospital approx. 107 years ago. Edward dying in the bed. Carlisle walks over.
Carlisle: You ready?
Edward: For what?
Carlisle takes his wrist and bites him
Carlisle: For the wicked awesome parody!!
Edward yelps and pulls away
Edward: What the fuck! I thought you were a doctor!!
Carlisle frowns and bites him on the neck, Edward starts flinching in pain, and the screen goes blank. Twilight is born flashes across the screen followed por three days later. Edward waking up confused remembers being bitten and sees Carlisle standing over him, Edward frowns gets up, and hits Carlisle across the face
Edward: That’s for biting me, Old men shouldn’t touch your children, especially boys, It looks wrong!!
Carlisle: I just saved you from death!!
Edward: You bit me!! Do you know how hard that is to cover up?
Carlisle: are you an idiot!?!?! I just saved your life!
Edward: Wait, you saved my life….Awkward
Carlisle: You’re a vampire; you should be thankful, great way to get the ladies
Edward: Awesome! (Runs away yelling) Yay, I’m immortal!!

Edward and Carlisle in a hospital approx. 107 years ago. Edward dying in the bed. Carlisle walks over.
Carlisle: You ready?
Edward: For what?
Carlisle takes his wrist and bites him
Carlisle: For the wicked awesome parody!!
Edward yelps and pulls away
Edward: What the fuck! I thought you were a doctor!!
Carlisle frowns and bites him on the neck, Edward starts flinching in pain, and the screen goes blank. Twilight is born flashes across the screen followed por three days later. Edward waking up confused remembers being bitten and sees Carlisle standing over him, Edward frowns gets up, and hits Carlisle across the face
Edward: That’s for biting me, Old men shouldn’t touch your children, especially boys, It looks wrong!!
Carlisle: I just saved you from death!!
Edward: You bit me!! Do you know how hard that is to cover up?
Carlisle: are you an idiot!?!?! I just saved your life!
Edward: Wait, you saved my life….Awkward
Carlisle: You’re a vampire; you should be thankful, great way to get the ladies
Edward: Awesome! (Runs away yelling) Yay, I’m immortal!!

Bella: about 3 things I was positive, First Edward was a vampire *drool* segundo um he’s a hot vampire! And third I am in amor with him oh and (whispers) he wants my blood, so worth it though, he hot!!

Bella arriving in Forks meeting Charlie
Bella: Wow, I can totally see why my mother left you, I mean god, and seriously you let yourself go
Charlie: Okay I amor you too, let’s go I guess
Both get into the car


Bella: so this is my room
Charlie: Yeah, this is your room, kind of obvious since it’s been yours since you were little.
Bella: Gosh trying to make conversation here dad,
Charlie: Well I have to go, kitchens downstairs you’ll be making dinner, got to earn your keep, Bathrooms to the right…
Bella’s jaw drops open: Wait, what only one bathroom!?!?! We can’t share, I’m a girl!!
Charlie: and I own this house, I only have and need one bathroom, you’ll live through this (Charlie’s voice slowly rising)
Bella: *gasps* Mom let me have my own bathroom!!
Charlie: Do I look like your mother?
Bella: Well you do have boobs---
Charlie: Okay, I have to go! (Walks out of the room quickly and slams the door behind him)

Bella in her room later unpacking, picks up her laptop, and signs into her email.
Bella leitura her email out loud: Dear Bella, its mom—wow mom couldn’t have figured that out—why haven’t you emailed me!?!?! I’m worried; I can’t do anything before I hear from you, anyways I have to go--- but you just said that you couldn’t do anything without hearing from me, whatever--- Phil just go home, wicked smiley face going to go have fun—wow that’s disgusting!---Please email me soon, amor mom
Bella starts composição literária back to her mother
Bella: Dear mom, it’s raining, I’m good, got to good, amor Bella
Bella turns off her laptop and goes to cama muttering it’s so green

Bella sees her new car, which is actually a very old truck, and Jacob walks out.
Bella: wow…
Charlie: Don’t you amor it! I thought it was perfect!
Bella: (Mumbles) thanks dad
Charlie: what do you think? Perfect eh? (Smiling)
Bella: (sounding sarcastic) OMG! I am going to be the envy of my class with this
Jacob: I rebuilt the engine myself
Bella: Wow, um how’s’ the gas mileage?
Jacob; haven’t thought of it, want to go for a ride?
Bella: Sure, I’ll drive though (slips in front to go for the driver’s seat)
Jacob: What makes you think I’m not old enough to drive?
Bella: The lights on your shoes
Jacob: What they’re cool it shows when I’m walking (smiles)
Bella climbs into the vehicle; Jacob gets in on the other side, but not before Bella hits him with the truck door
Bella: God, smells like cerveja and cigarettes in here, what did you do in here?
Jacob: Excuse me? And I thought you were polite
Bella: sorry, its just wow… Gross
Jacob: This was Billy’s car por the way, not mine, complain to him
Bella: He looks like he could kill me, no thank you! (Crosses arms over chest)
Jacob: And I don’t? (Grins showing all teeth)
Bella: when you do that you look like a pedophile. Please stop
Jacob: (snickers and whispers) I have cachorrinhos in my car and if you don’t like cachorrinhos I have doces in my car
Bella: My car, my rules, gets out (Pushes Jacob)
Jacob: No one lets me have any fun, (mumbles as he is getting out of the truck)
Bella: will I see you at school tomorrow?
Jacob: NO
Bella: OH, you skip? Rebel without a cause (smiles)
Jacob: No, I go to school on the res.
Bella: Oh, okay see you when I see you then (walks into the house)

Bella walk s out of a classroom and Mike follows her and starts up a conversation
Mike: Hey, um what’s up? (Drapes arm over Bella shoulder)
Bella: what are you doing?!?!?
Mike: Making sure everyone knows
Bella: Knows what?
Both walk into the cafeteria.
Mike: That your mine
Bella: GROSS (gets away and sits por 2 girls)
Bella: Hi, I’m Bella and you are?
Angela: I’m Angela, and this is Jessica, we know all about you want to sit with us, cause that would be nice, and I think that we will make really good friends and
Jessica: Sorry for Angela when she gets nervous she talks and can’t shut up (giggles and Angela glares)
Bella suddenly stares up hearing music: Who are they?!?!(Staring at the Cullen’s walking in)
Jessica: That’s the Cullen’s
Angela: The big one is Emmett and the blonde one is Rosalie (said as Emmet and Rosalie come and sit down)
Jessica: the gorgeous one---
Angela: who looks in pain---
Jessica: Is Jasper, and the cat on his side is Alice, so ADORABLE!!(Said as Alice and jasper walk in)
Angela: and that naco, pedaço, hunk is Edward (Said as Edward walks in)
Bella: Do you hear música it started when the Cullen’s came in
Jessica: Maybe they are so cool they get their own theme music
Angela: No, sorry (pulls out cell phone) that’s my ring tone, got to take this (walks away)
Jessica (mumbling): Liked my idea better

Cafeteria the seguinte day, you see The Cullen’s walking in jasper in pain, Alice grabbing onto him, followed por Emmet and Rosalie. Rosalie glares at Bella flips her hair and walks and trips.
Rosalie: Damn it, not again!!
Emmett: Calm down, Rose, it’s not the end of the world!
Rosalie: Damn Heels (takes off heels and throws them)
Emmett runs and grabs them helps Rosalie up and walks to the table, Alice snickers and Rosalie glares at her.

Edward randomly comes up to Bella and pushes her
Bella: what the hell was that for?
Edward: Um the car (looks around to try to point to the car that he thought was going to hit her) DAMN IT ALICE!!
Alice Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett all giggling
Edward: You said it was going to hit her, you little midget! Damn it Alice seriously!!
Edward walks away from Bella’s side, and a car hits her
Edward: ALICE!
Alice: I didn’t say which car was going to hit her…
Edward runs over to help Bella

Bella and Edward walking in the hallway
Edward: so what made you come to Forks?
Bella: well my mother married Phil
Edward: Sure you can’t go somewhere else?
Bella: and she was sad staying with me-
Edward: I know this great island no one would look for you there
Bella: So I came to live with my dad
Edward: No one could hear you scream (sounding like he is thinking of something)
Bella: It’s weird with my father though.
Edward: you aren’t paying attention are you?
Bella: We only have one bathroom which sucks since-
Edward: I want to kill you and drink all of your blood
Bella:-I’m a girl
Edward: I never noticed that
Bella: Whoa, totally not paying attention what did you say?
Edward: I said that’s interesting.

Mike with Bella in the cafeteria
Mike: oi Bella
Bella: oi Mike
Mike: Bella wanna come to La Push de praia, praia with me and some friends this weekend?
Bella: Sorry can’t leave the continental U.S
Mike: What?
Bella: Can’t go to France (sounding impatient)
Mike: I mean La Push, the reservation
Bella: Oh Um, sure
Mike: and Cullen can’t come
Bella: Why?
Mike: They have a thing against the Cullen’s, smartest thing they’ve ever said

Bella walking up to Edward later.
Bella: Hey, wanna come to La Push with me this weekend?
Edward: The reservation?
Bella: God, does everyone know that but me?
Edward raises an eyebrow at Bella.
Bella whispering: I thought it was France.
Edward: I really can’t sorry; we have a thing against La Push people.
Bella: We?
Cullen’s turn up (Alice, Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper)
Alice: yes we(smiles)
Bella: Hi, I don’t think we’ve met before
Rosalie mumbling: Smells like wet dog at La Push *giggle* wonder why-
Emmett elbows Rosalie
Edward steps in front of the other Cullen’s
Edward: Bella obviously I’m the best thing out of that gene pool, so lets go.
All of the other Cullen’s jaws drop.
Edward: They aren’t important
Edward wraps his arm around Bella and pulls her away:

Bella laughing: I know what you are
Edward: Say it.
Bella giggles: Superhero
Edward: Excuse me?
Bella: Sorry, vampire.
Edward: First thing you got right in a while.
Bella: So how old are you? 17? Sexy.
Edward: But I’m only 16
Bella: Shut up, it’s better for the storyline if your 17
Bella: So how long have you been 17?
Edward: *cough 16 *cough over a hundred years
Bella backing away slowly: Wow, total pedophile.
Edward: Hey, you shouldn’t judge people, I know what you do alone at night- cause I watch you
Bella: wait, you watch me
Edward: Umm, yeah about that, why are you screaming my name at night? Seriously, I’m not a one ladies man, I’m a ladies and mans man
Bella: What?
Edward: oi don’t want anyone to be lonely-Excuse Me.
Bella Smiles
Edward: But now you should know why we are dangerous
Edward walks into the sunlight.
Edward: are you scared?
Bella: No, not really why you sparkle you think that’s scary?
Edward rips open his shirt
Edward: this is what we look like in the sunlight! I am an ugly creature! Look upon evil
Bella laughs as she sees Edward glittering
Bella: Damn it Edward, that’s the last camisa I am going to buy you if you keep ripping it up like that.

Edward appears at Bella’s house.
Edward: oi Bella
Edward sees Bella sleeping
Edward: Bella GET UP BELLA!!(Banging pots and pans)
Bella: What the…?
Edward: BELLA!
Bella: WHAT
Bella sits up furious
Edward: Want to come to my home?
Bella throws a travesseiro at him
Bella: Go BACK TO BED
Edward: Ouch, I’m hurt you know I can’t sleep and anyways I’m not leaving until I get an answer…
Bella: Fine! Now GET OUT! Charlie might hear you!
Edward taps his head: This will tell you if he hears us, anyways he has iron ears
Bella confused: Your forehead?
Edward: What no, I can read minds
Bella: Since WHEN?!?!
Edward: Bella I thought you knew this, some vampire have special abilities-
Bella: NO WAY!
Edward: Yes, in my family. Jasper, Alice, and I have powers. Jasper messes up your emotions, Alice sees the future, and I read minds
Bella: whoa
Edward: Do I need to show you with pictures?

Edward bringing Bella into his house, sees Emmett and Rosalie talking pulls Bella back and Shh’s her, they look in and hear Rosalie’s and Emmett’s conversation.
Emmet munching on gummy bear: yum I amor irritable grizzly bears” smiles
Rosalie: umm Emmet you do realize they aren’t grizzly bears right?
Emmet: yeah, but they are bears (said in a obvious sounding voice)
Rosalie: they aren’t even irritable, they are smiling and bright colours, and HOW ARE YOU EATING THEM? YOU’RE A VAMPIRE!
Emmet: yeah, I know, but I amor catching them they are so hard to find
Rosalie: Emmet you just go to the store and buy them duh!!
Emmet: I don’t say out loud things you don’t want to hear so why do you say things that hurt so much
Rosalie: Pfft
Emmet: AT LEAST I DON”T HAVE TO DYE MY HAIR BLONDE!!! Oh, was that a secret
Rosalie gets up and walks away pissed, sees Edward, and Bella Giggling their asses off, she glares at them both before walking away
Esme walking in: Hello Bella, come and meet the family
Esme pulls Bella into the kitchen
Esme: This is my husband Carlisle
Carlisle: Hello Bella, nice to meet you, Edward has told us so much about you
Bella: I hope not any bad things.
Esme: This is Emmett (Points to Emmett)
Emmett: oi Bella, Um Sorry about Rosalie
Bella: It’s no problem
Esme: And this is Alice and Jasper
Alice: Hello Bella, Oh Wait, (sounding angry) Edward now can I talk to her?
Edward: Yes
Alice: Oh Bella, I know we are going to be Great friends don’t worry about Rosalie she’ll come around
Esme: Alice! And this is Jasper
Jasper: Pleasure to meet you Bella
Carlisle: So Bella, care to play baseball with my family?

Bella: SO Edward, when are we playing baseball?
Edward: We have to wait for the storm
Bella: Storm?
Edward: You’ll see why we need the storm later.

Later in the Cullen’s living room, you see them all warming up and getting ready to play
Bella: Are we going?
Carlisle: Bella, we play right here?
Bella: Um then why do we need the storm?
Alice: Emmett likes his vocabulary of curse words.
They turn on the T.V. and start to play Wii Baseball.
Esme: Bella, you can be Ref.
Bella: How do you cheat with Wii Baseball?
Esme: They do watch
They start playing the game, you hear Emmett yelling, Emmett’s on the sofá climbing
Rosalie: That’s my monkey man

You hear a knock on the door. Carlisle goes and gets it.
Carlisle: Hello
Laurent: Hello, we are looking for a place to stay
Carlisle: Of course, come inside
Laurent: This is Victoria (Pointing to Victoria) and James? Where did he go?
Victoria: Damn it, I know I should have put a sino on that boy.
James: IN HERE!
They all turn around to see James in the living Room
James Sniffing Bella: Smells Delicious
Edward: Bella and I were just leaving
Edward pulls Bella out of the house, and throws her into his car.

Bella and Edward in the car.
Edward: Bella… Damn you! I knew you cheirado, cheirava, smelt to good, Screw it, I’m eating you.
Bella: What?
Edward: Joking! But seriously Alice is taking you away.
Bella: Alright, god lion and cordeiro much, and so the lion fell in amor with the lamb
Edward: Wait, I want to be the cute little lamb, why do I have to be the lion?
Bella: Because you’re the vampire…
Edward: So you’re a man eater, and I don’t bring that up every five minutos GOD! Now go to Alice, and Jasper.
Bella: Sorry I’m going
Bella gets out of the car and goes off with Alice and Jasper.

Alice, Jasper and Bella in a hotel room
Alice: So Bella…
Bella: So Alice, what’s up?
Alice: I got to ask you to leave, Jasper and I agreed that you got to go
Bella: Where?
Alice: Come On, just go to James, I dare you
Bella: Ah
Alice: Double dog dare
Jasper: Triple Dog Dare
Bella: Damn now I have to do it
Bella walks out and slams the door
Bella goes to the Ballet Studio
James: Wow, my snacks here (claps hands)
Bella: So how are we going to do this?
James: Well I’m going to video tape this and then give it to Edward and Um.. OMG do you think I can post this on YouTube
Bella: No I think you should choose Americas funniest início videos, wait is that show still on the air?
James: Um I don’t know, I thought the guy died!!
Bella: So
James: Yup, I’m going to kill you
The Cullen’s burst in, after James pushes Bella to the floor. The Cullen’s walk closer to James and Bella, and James bites Bella. Bella Screaming on the floor
Edward: Bella SHUT UP! I’m trying to deal with James
James and the Cullen’s start fighting. They kick his bunda and the scene fades.

Bella in the hospital with Edward por her side
Bella: Edward do you amor me?
Edward: whoa, um about that, while you were unconscious I kind of hit it off with Jacob, nothing against you but, he keeps totally being an bunda to me, and it totally turns me on, do you think if I asked him to go out with me he would say yes?
Bella: Ummm, he’s a dog, do you realize that, He isn’t really into the whole umm
Edward: what the gay thing Bella: WHAT!! No I meant the vampire thing, undead thing, kind of a turnoff for him since he hates your guts...
Edward: Aw man
Bella: And Edward wtf? Why are you wearing a Team Jacob button? I thought…
Edward: It’s so cool! amor it, with the cool scratch marks and…
Bella: Earth To Edward!!
The Prom scence, you see all the Cullen’s, and Angela, Jessica Mike, etc
Bella: Why did you bring me here?
Edward: Your dad paid me twenty bucks
Bella: damn him! He knows I can’t dance
Edward pulling out video camera: That’s why he asked me to tape it
Bella’s jaw drops
Bella: I thought it was mais expensive to bribe you
Edward: Oh yeah I also get this camera, and he paid for this outfit
Bella mumbling: Didn’t pay for mine
Bella: Did he do anything else for you?
Edward: He got rid of my criminal record
Bella: What?
Edward: Just kidding.
Bella and Edward enter a secluded area; Jacob finds them and pulls Bella to the side.
Jacob: Bella, what are you doing with him (moves head in the direction of Edward)
Bella: He’s my date
Jacob: My dad paid me 20 bucks to tell you to stay away from the Cullen’s
Bella: Why is everyone being paid money for stuff involving me!
Jacob: Um yeah, so don’t be with Edward
Bella: Um
Edward: Edward is right here!
Jacob: It just got cold in here!
Edward: I’ve been standing here the whole time! The temperature can’t just drop
Jacob stamps his feet and walks off pissed.
Edward sarcastically: Yay, now we’re alone
Bella walks over to Edward
Edward: Whoa, um yeah I have a thing for Jacob sorry
Bella: Damn YOU!!

See Victoria walking down stairs angry undoing her hair and falling.

Cut to end credits and at the end you see one mais scene. Edward is holding up the Twilight DVD case, and runs over to bella after putting it down.
Edward: I just saw the cover for the movie, and why the hell are you on the front you don’t even have any cool powers
Bella: well, I’m your amor interest
Edward: Really?!?! I thought you’d be hotter




These are only excerpts. The whole thing is posted on this link: link

Credit to: link