Tom Hiddleston was in TENET! And other trivia news 

TOM HIDDLESTON was in TENET! And other trivia news about Director CHRISTOPHER NOLAN’s latest (or earliest?) EPIC! TENET.

TOM HIDDLESTON Takes the lead in this TENET trivia fest..

Actor TOM HIDDLESTON was cast in the lead role in TENET. However, he went full on method. Hiddleston actually travelled INTO the future. Fearing delays in the schedule, the role was re-cast. But Tom IS there. On his return to the present, director CHRISTOPHER NOLAN kindly allowed Tom to be in every single scene, disguised as furniture. If you re-watch the film, backwards, on repeat? You might catch Tom playing Ken Branagh’s beard. It’s an amazing performance. Even Sir Ken did not recognise his old protégé. Hiddleston will next be seen in a remake of the sequel to Gone with the Wind. He will be Rhett Butler, as approved by Margaret Mitchell’s estate.

‘We needed the very ESSENCE OF MACHISMO here; Clark Gable and Tim Dalton are total pussies next to Tom. But he MUST wear the special SLIPPERS. That’s the condition’

Actor DAVID TENNANT was offered the lead role, after Hiddleston’s disappearance into the future. Indeed, the film’s actual title is TENNANT. But the former DOCTOR WHO was adamant that he too was weary of time travel. And besides, he only agrees to a role now if there is a subplot about serial killing and social justice. He also insisted on beards for all. That was the last straw for Nolan. But lots of actors on set did in fact wear a beard, in tribute to Tennant.

Nolan simply went to another Doctor Who, Chris Eccleston. But they fell out, when Eccleston demanded that he be allowed to wear a leather jacket in all scenes and that the script include a damning indictment on elitist capitalism. Plus, he was getting bigger money to do Big Finish Audio, in line with his passionate socialist beliefs.

The actor and star, TOM HARDY, was unavailable. So Director CHRISTOPHER NOLAN hired Jim Cameron’s dream machine and did an Inception on the actor, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, telling the Johnson subconscious mind to become Hardy.

grew a beard and developed an English accent to play Tom Hardy in TENET

. Things went too far, though, when Johnson turned up on the set of VENOM 2. He demanded to be addressed as Tom Hardy and to take the role, claiming they had a symbiotic connection. Johnson escaped; his whereabouts are currently unknown. Thoughts with him at this difficult time.

The actor, Clive Owen, has a cameo in the film. He plays a waiter. But the role was cut, on his request, when he learned that Nolan had secured his services under false pretences, by claiming to be the other director, Paul Greengrass. Owen was also miffed when Nolan refused the idea of having his waiter character make a big entrance, on fire, through a glass window. Like JAMES. BOND.

Owen was replaced by Timothy Dalton, who also arranged the flowers on the set (a skill he learned in his time as JAMES BOND and Rhett Butler : ‘fresh flowers, every morning’). Nolan is known to be a Bond fan and in fact directed SPECTRE as a favour to Sam Mendes, who also nicked Nolan’s editor and DP and basically entire team..thereby making 1917..which is much more better than TENET. The two men have not spoken since.

Sir Michael Caine refused to grow a beard for the film. Not a lot of people know that. Director CHRISTOPHER NOLAN did grow a beard, or thought he did but in fact what happened is that every time he thought he was growing it, he was in fact shaving. Entropy. Reverse time.  Razor burn.

A tie-in novelisation was commissioned. Except it was written all in jumbled up backward language. So it will be pulped. Or is that reprinted? Entropy!

A hard R cut of the film exists. But it just went too far for most decent people. When a character thinks they are eating, they are doing the reverse.  IF you know what I mean? This was Nolan paying homage to Human Centipede. It was deemed too filthy for the mainstream but marginally more entertaining and fun than TENET.

Nb: trolls: this piece is filed under ‘satire’ / legit comment; it is clearly not libellous. Because only a moron would regard blatantly illogical fabrication as defamatory. So there. The end. 🙂 

Nb: Yes, I do not like TENET. But I have nothing against Christopher Nolan or his team or anyone referenced in this piece.

BeardsChris EcclestonChris NolanClive OwenDavid TennantDoctor Whogone with the windInceptionJames BondJames MurphyPaul GreengrassSam MendesSir Michael CainetenetTimothy DaltonTom HardyTom Hiddleston

TENET is the worst film I have ever seen. No! It’s the BEST FILM EVER! Wait? Can I be sure I saw it? TENET is.

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