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Phil: I'm cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face
Phil [about Desiree]: Am I attracted to her? Yes. Would I ever act on it? No, no way. Not while my wife is still alive
Claire: Oh, go figure. A teenage boy doesn't want to hang out with his girlfriend's dad.
Phil: I thought we were past all that. I'm all about taking it to the seguinte level.
Claire: Really? I thought you were all about keeping it real.
Phil: Yes, but the whole point of keeping it real is so you can take it to the seguinte level. Did you really not know that?
Phil: If things have gone differently in my life I could have been a pilot.... What would happen if you turn the remote off and on right again?
Jay: Yeah, you would have made a great pilot
Claire: My mom started drinking these cocktails called "horny Colombians" with some of Gloria's uncles, whom apparently the drink was named after
Phil: Oh come, they were funny
Claire: They kept grabbing my butt
Phil: Somebody is full of herself. It's a Colombian wedding tradition.. they said
Phil: Claire likes to say "You can be part of the problem, or part of the solution." But I happen to believe you can be both
Phil: It's nice to see you Gloria. [Hugs Gloria]
Gloria: Two times today.
Phil: Okay. [Goes in for another hug]
Claire: Uh, Phil, she means we've seen them two times today
Claire: Phil, let it go, I'm faster than you
Phil: If only there was some way we could settle this once and for all, but how?
Claire: You seriously want to race me? I ran a half-marathon last year
Phil: Okay, I'm half scared
Claire: Okay, we do need to do this. I'll go change
Claire: Getting everybody out of the house in the morning can be really tough. Especially the first dia of school.
Phil: From the moment we get up at seven until we drop them off at school it is: go go go.
Claire: I get up at six.
Phil [mocking]: I get up at five.
Claire: Seriously, I get up at six.
Phil: That's you? I thought we had a racoon
Phil [about Luke]: He's one of those kids you get him a gift and all he wants to do is play with the box.
Claire: One ano we just got him a box, a really nice box
Phil: And we made the mistake of putting it in a gift bag.
Claire: So he played with the gift bag.
Phil: We can't get it right.
Phil: I need the scariest reptile you got.
Jungle Tanya: I have an iguana that eats crickets.
Phile: That would be scary if it was a bday for crickets. Seriously Jungle Tanya, I need you to step it up a notch. Is there anything that scares the coocoo out of you?
Jungle Tanya: Not really. I do have a bearded dragon...
Phil: Ooh!
Jungle Tanya: No, it doesn't breath fire.
Phil: Goodbye Dunphy Christmas. Haley, I guess you're not getting that car.
Haley: I was getting a car?
Phil: No, I was lying. Because that's what Dunphys do now, we're liars.
Phil: I can forgive the smoking, but I can't forgive the lie.
[Claire glares at him]
Phil: Or the smoking.
