When I really think about it though, those excuses are kinda lame. I think that the real reason I don't eat fast comida is because fast comida restaurants are doing their damndest to scare us away from their restaurants. I mean look at the weirdos they have peddling their food. Scary clowns? Creepy old men? Purple blobs? The fast comida companies been subjecting us to these creeps for years, but recently the situation has become unbearable.
So without further ado, I present to you my list of the 10 creepiest fast comida mascots [note: I'm limiting the list to characters peddling goods for fast comida outlets - I realize that the Kool Aid Man and Count Chocula are also disturbing, but that's for another list]:
Who thought selling fresh, healthy sandwiches alongside a mangy deranged rodent was a good idea? The last thing I want to think about when I'm eating comida is some bubonic plague carrying, disease-ridden rat. At least Subway had the decency to saddle us with link.
Need mais evidence? Tell me you want a Quiznos sub after link
A fixture of the Dominos pizza commercials from the 80s and 90s, the Noid was a small goblin-like humanoid with rabbit ears dressed in a tight red latex suit that communicated via a series of chortles and grunts. Tell me that ain't creepy.
Need mais evidence? The link was bad enough. But adults dressing up as the Noid for Dia das bruxas and, mais recently, 80s parties? Oh the humanity!
Most of us think that clowns are creepy. But what about jack-in-the-boxes? Well, they're just glorified clowns, with springs that pop out of boxes. So they're double creepy.
Need mais evidence? Any of the link with his big round head and that cheshire cat smile.
Dear McDonalds, what exactly is this Grimace creature you have spawned? Is he a mutated prune? A malformed mushroom? Is he an obese American fast comida consumer whose skin took on an unearthly hue after consuming one too many Happy Meals? Either way, the last thing I need to think about when I'm eating a 1000 calorie x-burger, cheeseburguer is some overweight muppet.
Need mais evidence? Did you know link and a penchant for stealing milkshakes? He also had an equally hideous green uncle, link (as if one wasn't enough).
It's like Hannibal Lector is sporting the Oompa Loompa hairdo (at least in this pic). I dunno, when I'm eating Chicken out of a bucket I really don't want some old guy with a goatee grinning back at me. Which makes me wonder, why aren't there mais hot female fast comida icons? Honestly, where are they? Where's the Colonelette?
Need mais evidence? Apparently in Japão most of the KFC locations have on-site Colonel statues to greet you. In the Japanese city of Kansai, poor treatment of one of the Colonel statues has led to an apparent link on that city's baseball team.
Mister Softee has helped peddle ice cream treats to kids in the Northeast for 50 years. I cringed when I first saw him. Man with a cone for a head with soft serve billowing out the top. And don't get me started on his link (isn't this the kind of thing that gets inserted into film trailers for The Omen?)
Need mais evidence? link featuring a LIVE-ACTION Mister Softee. Apparently David Caruso (CSI) starred as Mr. Softee's roommate in link. Oh the nightmares I will have forevermore...truly freaky.
Does this one really require explanation? The flaming red hair. The pasty white face. The demonically shaped mouth and the pencil thin arched eyebrows. Yikes!
Clowns, clowns, clowns. Clowns are evil. Clowns are bad! Don't believe me? link.
mais creepy evidence: There's no shortage of horrific McDonald's televisão commercials, but this one link really bugs me.
The only thing mais horrific than the current McDonald's clown is the old-school original. Who designed this monstrosity? It looks like someone strapped a comida tray atop his head and attached a dixie cup to his nose and called it a dia (link). This thing is hideous. If I saw this on the street, I'd run for help.
Need mais evidence? Even after they revamped the look of the old-school Ronald, he was still damned freaky. link
mais soft-serve inspired mascots. Twins 'Tee' and 'Eff', like Mister Softee, have been around for half a century. But unlike Softee, there are two of these menaces, so I'm putting them up higher.
Need mais evidence? The wonderful site link turned me onto this freaky looking life-sized Tastee Freez statue. Gotta amor the soft serve head that kinda oozes into a shapeless face. The lips also look ready to melt off in a big dollop of soft cream. Yum. link
The only thing scarier than Ronald or Mister Softee is Burger King's 'King'. As if to underscore the King's inherent creep-factor, Burger King even link.
Need mais evidence? Remember the link ads from a couple years back (link, and link)? Do you really want to wake up to this guy? DO YOU!?!?
The only right answer folks is "Hells no!!!"
