Barney: Stop pining over Marshall and Lily! Have some self respect. Now put this fiver in your mouth so that stripper with the lazy eye can vacuum it up with...
Ted: Barney! I'm allowed to miss them alright? They're my two best friends.
Barney: I'm your two best friends!

Barney: Ted, when they serve alcohol at a strip club, you're not allowed to show your vagina.

Barney: Yes! Tonight is gonna be Legen... wait are we sure it's a good idea to go to a strip club? Shut Up Lily I'm in charge now... Dary!

Barney: So you're pregnant? Huh, looks like nobody told your boobs.

Barney: I want American Scotch from Scotland!

Barney: Hashtag burn, hashtag your tie is still dumb, jogo da velha, hash tag refill!