Hey, everyone. After the mistake that was Trigger Man, and having fallen into a state of suicidal depression, also mixed with the state of the world, I decided to turn toward religion in the hopes of turning my life around. Sure, hearing about some of the stuff that goes on in the bible, like how God ruined Job’s life over a bet with the Devil…. Not sure what that was about, but I am a true Christian now. It is not my place to pergunta the work of the lord. But because I can’t go to church because… ya know… the world right now, and since actually leitura a book is a challenge for me, I am going to show my amor for God in the only way I know how: por playing video games. And we have one right here, The Bible Game, for PS2, created por Crave… Entertainment… Goddammit! jesus died in fucking vain!?



Okay, so jokes aside, it’s hard for me to say what my religion is. While I do believe that something had to have created this strange world we live in, we didn’t get to where we were today por some divine intervention. I’m all for humanity. God didn’t give us the bucket! We had to make that ourselves, and our lives became vastly better because of it. I’m team human! And hoo boy, if today’s game helps me just denounce religion all together, I will not be surprised. So The Bible Game was a family party game released back in October of 2005. And yep, that’s correct. This game was released not even a mês before the seventh generation of consoles came out and the 360 and PS3 were upon us. The game was published por none other than Crave Entertainment, but was developed por Mass Media Games. I’ve seen this logo on a lot of Namco Museum games back in my childhood, basically collections of old Namco arcade games like Pac-Man, Dig Dug and so on. Apparently they also had a hand in making Saints Row 2, Darksiders, and as recent as the Definitive Edition of Mafia III. Of course, it seems they were mostly responsible for just porting those games, because when I procurar up the games, I can’t find out much that Mass Media does with the games themselves. Apparently they’re still around today, so it’s good to know that The Bible Game didn’t kill them immediately. Much like it’s probably gonna kill me. This game has been mocked por many Youtubers and has reviews ranging from mediocre to just flat out bad, except from The pomba Foundation, which gave this game a five estrela review, even calling it one of the best games of the year. Yeah, when I think of games from 2005, I think of Resident Evil 4, Devil May Cry 3, Shadow of the Colossus, and motherfucking Bible Game on the PS2!
So the intro starts, and uh… yeah, that’s a Christian título screen alright. I don’t know what it is, but the weird as cores on the intro just make it look so…. Bizarre. Like I’m staring at some sort of public access stuff. Or at least a Tim and Eric sketch. Also the música in the título screen sounds like the most tedious elevator música ever. It just sounds so mind numbing, especially when my copy of the game makes it skip and I think it’s about to crash. Also also, what the fuck is up with my PS2? The poor thing sounds like it can barely handle the awesome might of God, because when it loads the demo, it sounds like it’s about to take flight like a jet engine. Like it is fucking humming and I’m kinda scared the disc is going to catch fogo inside my PS2. Well, before that happens, I should press start and see what waits behind me. Well we got some ugly bunda characters to choose from. I can be Ben Shapiro, Cowboy Kent, Rocket Power, Jailbait, Angelica from All Grown Up, and Morman. I’ll go with the Cowboy, because you can’t get mais holy than that. So we get into the game and it’s a fucking teste show? I gotta be real with you people, this game is throwing so much at me and I don’t even know how to process it all. So yeah, it’s a teste show inspired por many others like The Price is Right or something. Alright. I think I can handle that. My grandmother is devout Christian, I went to Sunday school at least for a week when I was a kid, went to a bible club back in elementary school for free Oreo’s, and I am Irish, so that kinda puts the knowledge of God into me por default. I think I got this. Is what I would say, but the game doesn’t even ask perguntas so far. So it’s aleatório if you will even get a turn. On my first go, I didn’t even get a turn. Everyone went before me, doing jobs like Simon Says with a fogo or helping Simon tear a temple down, and por the time it got to a Challenge run, my game crashed. So, great start. Reset!
So this time I get to go first and play a fucking sickening hurling minigame, throwing plates at soldiers. With everyone’s cursors being in the way, it’s nearly impossible to get the right cursor to where you want to go. Plus it feels so damn delayed too, so it was honestly a miracle I came in third rather than dead last in a four player group. After that, it was bible trivia. And the best thing about going up against AI is that I can super fucking cheat. In the digital age, there’s nothing stopping me from just pausing the game, going to google and finding out that it was Abram that told Hagar to name her son Ishmael. Also, this pause screen is terrifying. Other than it being a fucking epilepsy warning with the flashing lightning, it’s a dark screen with lightning strikes and a single smiling cartoon face in a box in the center. It’s so damn freaky and I don’t like it. Of course all the pausing in the world isn’t gonna stop the AI from answering before you do. Not that I’ll know because it crashed again. Ugh! Reset!
Okay, so the game saves after each mini game. Not sure why, because it doesn’t save progress. So the seguinte mini game is jumping across rocks to collect the light. And oh my god, another timing game with your jumps. The cursor just goes so fast and, again, it feels delayed. When I let go, it still moves just a bit before actually stopping. Thankfully, due to cheating, I managed to get to first place in the first minute. After that, the AI dicks around, pretty much fucking themselves over, especially purple, doing testimony, really dragging it on. You don’t get fair turns. The AI can decide when you get to go seguinte and it can take forever. Up seguinte is racing Jonah’s whale, riding it’s blowhole to try and hit the rings in the center. It’s so disorientating and mashing X in an out of rhythm manner starts to wear on your thumb. Speaking of wearing you down, the Christian rock música that started out as hilariously bad starts to grate after a while, hearing the same nickelback and Creed tier music. And yet despite that, I still finished the first round in first place… And yes. Round. There’s more. UGH!
I felt like I was playing this game for hours already, and then I learned that’s just round one. So after that, it’s Noah’s Ark and it sucks. It’s a game where you gotta collect two same imagens of animais before someone else does and it’s boring and the damn Creed música is getting to me. It isn’t even Creed, but it sounds like it. After that, Jacob’s Ladder. Just match the arrows and you’ll win. I hope you like hearing other people’s buzzers go off when they fail, because the AI does it a lot. And it’s not fun in the slightest. Shit, the movie, Jacob’s Ladder was mais Christan than this. You know, the movie about the guy losing his mind and seeing crazy visions like his dead son, a hospital of skin freaks, and a tentacle monster groping his girlfriend… Yeah, don’t hear about that in Sunday School. After that, another fucking challenge. Seven Days. It’s like the soldier one but less control. You aim your Arqueiro around a big hole and shoot and hope you hit mais coins than the AI. Please, can we stop!? Can we stop with these fucking challenges? I hate these in particular! Though I do find it funny how one of the player’s generosity to pass was, and I quote, “Bequeathed with Wrath God”. That just got a laugh outta me. Maybe the madness has set in, I dunno.
But here it is. The final round. The Garden of Eden. Everyone picks a frutas and if you pick once, you lose immediately. Everyone got greedy and lost and I just fucking backed off and won. And yes, I feel like such a winner. I spent $10 on the fucking Bible Game and talked to the game show host who looks like he’s PCP’d out of his fucking mind while the other contestants look on in the distance…. I hate this game. Well, that’s it for the game show, but we gotta at least check out all the challenge rungs. All...twelve of them. I really don’t wanna, but I always go above and beyond, or at least pretend to, with these PS2 games, and goddammit, Bible Game on PS2 will be no exception. So we’ve discussed David and Goliath, Noah’s Ark, Jacob’s Ladder, Jonah’s Whale, Seven Days, and Leap of Faith. That’s at least half-way done. So next, Tower of Babel. mover your cursor around and break the tower. It’s honestly the best one so far. Simple, but not terrible. Red Sea is next. This is the worst one so far. The controls feel fucking reversed at times, and once you fall behind, the only way you’re going to get back is if the AI does worse than you. Not that it will. It’s way too easy to fall into the waters seguinte to you, it’s easy to get tripped up por sea urchins, rocks and crabs. You have no chance of getting through this one, even with practice. It’s a mess. Next, Staff of Aaron. It’s vomit inducing. It throws like a million snakes at you to kill but you can only shoot one beam at a time. If that beam isn’t gone, you don’t get to fogo another one. And when there are like multiple snakes and it starts to take multiple hits to kill one. Yeah, it’s no wonder I came in last. Fuck Aaron. Up next, False Idols. Well at least this one is chaotic enough to seem fun. It’s annoying when the idols you kick around bounce off you and the mural instead of going into the hole, but it’s not… the worst. seguinte is Lion’s Den. It’s confusing, people can take your traps from you at the last minute, and it’s mais worth it to just let the lion’s dogpile you near your trap than to even attempt a strategy. It sucks. Okay, last mini game. Walls of Jericho. And oh my god, it may be the fucking worst. It’s Red Sea, but on horse back, you an get combo stunned if you are stuck behind a bunch of rubble, the draw distance is pathetic and on a fucking PS2, and the turns can screw you over as well and make extra sure you get hit por something. Boy, I sure saved the worst of the bunch of last. Yeah, I hate this game.
So yeah, that’s about it for The Bible Game. It could be stated that I got a bit heated at this game, much like how the disc felt like it was heated in the forno when I pulled it out of the PS2 because good god, what material was it made from. But the game isn’t even the worst game on here. Far from it. It’s bad, obviously. But it’s mostly just boring. Twelve tedious mini games that are okay at best and mural of Jericho at worst. AI that is both dumb but really painful with how slow they are. And gameplay and mechanics that just make a twenty minuto long game feel like hours. I have no reason to come back to this game. I had mais fun watching Bible Man, the classic Christian superhero than I did playing this game. It’s far from the worst game on here, but oh man, it is… not a fun time. The Bible Game. mais like the Bible Lame… Nailed it.
Award: Bargain Bin Bazaar. Made for grandma’s and mothers to buy you when the new GTA game is just too violent. You can always get it at a budget and it’s probably worth even less than that.