The Big Bang Theory recap: 'The Matrimonial Metric' 

Johnny Galecki, Jim Parsons, Kaley Cuoco, Scott Halberstadt, Simon Helberg, Kunal Nayyar, Frank Pacheco

When you’ve spent the better part of a decade with the same group of people, the idea of selecting a maid of honor and best man can seem daunting. Luckily, Sheldon and Amy turn to science to help them figure out which friend has what it takes to perform the essential duties.

Raj, Howard, Bernadette, Penny, and Leonard are tested, unbeknownst to them, through a series of experiments organized by the bride- and groom-to-be. Sheldon and Amy take out all emotion and base their tally sheet scores on quantitative metrics. Sheldon is in hog heaven.

When Howard handles a fried rice situation with ease, his best man status shoots to the top. Penny gains a few extra points when she delivers a sewing kit in just over a minute. Things get really complicated when Amy pushes aside gender boundaries and opens the coveted position of best man and maid of honor to any of the five candidates. She’s not afraid of casting a best woman or a gentleman of honor.

A test of loyalty is next on the agenda. Amy warns Raj not to tell a secret she knows about Howard but is quickly shut down. Raj doesn’t want to engage in gossip. Amy secretly awards Raj major points, until he lets it slip that he already knows about Howard’s special underwear with the charcoal strip. I’m proud to say I refrained from Googling that phrase.

Across town, Sheldon does the same to Bernadette, only Sheldon’s secret is so dumb, there’s no reason for Bernadette to share it with anyone. Points for Bernadette!

Next Sheldon tests whether his friends can get him to the ceremony on time. Leonard fails miserably by suggesting Sheldon see a doctor for his weird behavior. When Amy tests Penny’s knowledge on how well she knows her, Penny thrives. With this news, Penny is clearly the winner, but Amy feels obligated to ask Bernadette to be her maid of honor since she was Bernadette’s.

Thankfully, the writers decide to land the plane and end this nonsense. Everyone knows that Penny and Leonard deserve to stand next to Amy and Sheldon, but we have a little more drama to unfold before the roster is set in stone.

The five mercifully figure out that Amy and Sheldon have been playing them for days, then join forces and claim none of them will participate in the wedding. This leaves Sheldon with two options: Stuart or his brother, who would undoubtedly deliver the wedding toast by his armpit. Sheldon picks the comic book store owner.

Stuart is elated. He’s never been labeled “best” before. Or “man” for that matter. Sheldon apologizes to Raj, Leonard, and Howard for violating their trust. He shares that Stuart will be his best man since the rest of his friends turned against him. Leonard gives Sheldon permission to not keep score and to choose whoever he wants to be his best man. Points or no points, Leonard is the champion. Sorry, Stuart.

Leonard tells Penny the good news and delicately assures her that since she’s Amy’s best friend, he’s confident Amy will come around and ask Penny to be her maid of honor. While Penny reacts to the shocking realization that she and Amy are BFFs, Amy is across the hall talking to Howard about how she just asked Bernadette to perform the MOH duties on the big day.

A livid Penny bursts through the door, announcing that SHE will be the maid of honor because SHE is Amy’s best friend. Amy pushes Howard out of the way to embrace her first love — Penny. Bernadette is tossed out in the cold with Stuart.

Now that we have all of the components of the Cooper/Farrah Fowler wedding figured out, my hope is that we get this show on the road sooner rather than later. These nuptials will definitely be a sight to behold.

And is it weird if I want Sheldon’s brother to actually make a toast using his armpit?

Sheldon: “I don’t know how I feel about all of this baby proofing. If Halley can’t teach herself to walk down the stairs, then maybe that’s nature’s way of saying the Wolowitz line ends here.”

Sheldon: “My mother is pushing for my brother Georgie to be my best man. And I hate to disappoint her again. I already rejected her savior and LinkedIn invitation.”