Reign recap: 'Uncharted Waters' 

All is right with the world, Royals! At the very end of “Uncharted Waters,” Mary and Catherine ARE IN THE SAME ROOM. They are even hugging. Mary and Catherine, together again at last.

Okay, so actually nothing is right with the world. Especially over in Scotland. You guys, things are

rough for the bride- and groom-to-be. Mary’s still not over that whole “Darnley lying about having an affair and ruining their chances at eternal happiness thing,” so she’s really sticking it to him these days. As their wedding draws closer, their relationship grows more fraught.

The latest example: Mary’s friend and EXTREMELY important Catholic ally Lucrezia de Medici (yes, she’s one of those Medicis) arrives from Florence only to hear Darnley throwing shade on her cousin Francis for his rumored “descended testicles.” Lucrezia is beyond offended (obviously, so is Mary) and threatens to leave. Is Mary more upset over Darnley messing with a Catholic ally or for making fun of her late husband? You decide.

Lucrezia tells Mary she’ll forget everything in return for some Scottish lands. You guys, now that I know I can ask for lands and money if someone says something offensive about me, have at it! No more crying in the shower for this girl! So once again, Mary finds herself traipsing around Scotland trying to broker a land deal with some nobleman in order to repair a relationship. And, once again, this mission leads her right into the path of one Lord Bothwell. Listen, I know Mary’s been going through suitors pretty quickly since losing Francis, but Bothwell has a ponytail and looks like he could build things out of the wood. Mary deserves this.

Finding Bothwell repairing a wall (SEE WHAT I MEAN?) on the very lands Mary needs is a surprise for our queen — she thought they belonged to someone else. Bothwell tells her he recently won the lands in a poker game, and he’ll consider selling to her, but he wants them both to go survey the grounds so he can ensure he really gets a good deal for selling this land. And off they go, on a two-person boat ride down a river, deep into the woods surrounding the estate. Because, sure, a queen has to 1) make in-person trade deals herself, and 2) go with a sassy noble on unattended water-based treks.

Anyway, the rest is a tale as old as time: Man and woman bicker and flirt in a rowboat, a flash flood forces man and woman to jump ship and man carries woman to safety, man has to undo woman’s soaking wet dress, man reveals he’s been sending woman creepy yet accurate anonymous letters about how scummy her fiancé is. That’s right, you guys: Bothwell is the Loyal Watchman! He promised Mary’s mother he’d protect Mary when she returned to Scotland, but he was banned from court when James became regent, so he’s had to keep his promise in creative ways. For instance, pretending to own lands that Mary wants in order to get alone time with her to try to persuade her to call off the wedding. You know, things like that.

to marry Darnley and how he should butt out of it, a weird man who looks like he is having the worst day of his life stumbles over and delivers a prophecy about Mary’s fate (I swear, I’m not making this up): She can either marry to have an heir or marry for love, but not both. If she does choose an heir, she’ll have a son who will rule both Scotland and England in peace. Now, before you think this is just any weird man stumbling around in the woods, after he relaxes a little bit, the guy tells Mary that a group of Druids recently saved his life and one passed along that message. With that, Mary knows this message came from Bash and it must be true. This whole storyline is ridiculous, but you guys: BASH!

Now Mary knows there is no choice but to marry Darnley. He can give her an heir, and that heir can bring peace to Scotland. This is more important than love. Mary’s made her mind up and all seems to be settling down at Scottish court — Bothwell even negotiates that pesky trade deal so that Mary can appease Lucrezia de Medici. See, guys? He’s still protecting her. How swoon-y.

1 13 reasons why \'13 Reasons Why\' shouldn\'t have a second season

2 \'The Fifth Element\' heading back to theaters with \'Valerian\' preview

3 Vin Diesel comments on reported beef with The Rock for first time

4 \'13 Reasons Why\' author says Hannah originally survived

5 Pepsi ad actor says most extras weren\'t American, didn\'t understand the social climate