0 = Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as any bayonet.

1 = Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 = Lager warming up head. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 = Crossword in newspaper filled in. After a while blanks are filled in with aleatório letters and numbers.

4 = Barmaid complimented on choice of bra, partially visible when bending to get packet of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisps one por one.

5 = Have brilliant discussion with guy on the seguinte bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out Manchester United's problems.

6 = Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cigarette packet. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you amor them. Call girlfriend to tell her you amor her and she still has an amazing figure.

7 = Send drinks over to woman sitting at mesa, tabela with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of amor on five coquetel napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 = Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one por one. Fall over. Get up.

9 = Head-ache kicks in. cerveja tastes off. Send it back. seguinte bottle comes back tasting the same. Say, "That's much better." Fight nausea por trying to play old o espaço Invaders game for ten minutos before seeing out of order sign.

10 = Some doubling of vision. Stand on mesa, tabela shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down por barmaid, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 = Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.

12 = Put in cab por somebody. Give início address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.