[after falling into the alligator pit]
Yzma: Why do we even *have* that lever?

Yzma: Are you talking to that squirrel?
Kronk: I was a junior chipmunk, uh, and I had to be versed in all the woodland creatures.
[to squirrel]
Kronk: Please continue.
[squirrel talks to Kronk]
Yzma: [walking away] Why me? Why me? Why me? Why...?
Kronk: Hey, it doesn't always have to be about you. This poor little guy's had it rough. Seems a talking lhama gave him a hard time the other day.
[Yzma rushes over to them]
Yzma: Oh, a talking llama? Do tell.
[squirrel whispers to Kronk]
Kronk: Uh, he doesn't really wanna talk to you.
Yzma: Well, then *you* ask him.
Kronk: [sigh] Hate being in the middle.
Kronk: [speaking squirrel] Squeaky, uh, squeak, sqeaker, squeakin'.

[on Kuzco]
Yzma: Why, I practically raised him.
Kronk: Yeah, you'd think he would've turned out better.
Yzma: Yeah, go figure.

Kuzco: Okay, I admit it. Maybe I wasn't as nice as I should have been. But, Yzma, do you really want to kill me?
Yzma: Just think of it as you're being let go, that your life's going in a different direction, that your body's part of a permanent outplacement.
Kronk: Hey, that's kinda like what he said to you when you got fired.
Yzma: I know. It's called a "cruel irony", like my dependence on you.

[Yzma and Kronk are trapped in a dark locked room]
ChiCha: What do you mean the door's stuck? Try jiggling the handle.
Yzma: There is no handle in here.
ChiCha: [holding the door handle] There's not? Are you sure?
Yzma: All right, I've had enough of this. Tell us where the talking lhama is and we'll burn your house to the ground.
Kronk: Er, don't you mean or?
Yzma: [even mais angrily] Err, tell us where the talking lhama is *or* we'll burn your house to the ground.
Chaca: Well, which is it? That sounds like a pretty crucial conjunction.

Yzma: It is no concern of mine whether or not your family has... what was it again?
Peasant: Umm... food?
Yzma: Ha! You really should have thought of that before you became peasants!

[plotting ways to kill Kuzco]
Yzma: Ah, how shall I do it? Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea, a harmless, little flea, and then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives...
[laughs]
Yzma: ...I'll smash it with a hammer! It's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, I tell you! Genius, I say!
[knocks over bottle of poison on flower, which shrivels up and dies]
Yzma: Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this.

Yzma: Take him out of town and finish the job now!
Kronk: What about dinner?
Yzma: Kronk, this is kind of important.
Kronk: How about dessert?
Yzma: Well, I suppose there's time for dessert.
Kronk: And coffee?
Yzma: All right. A quick cup of coffee. Then take him out of town and finish the job!

[Yzma and Kuzco never see each other. When one exits, the other enters]
Yzma: Make me the special. And hold the gravy!
Kronk: Check. Pickup!
Kuzco: You know what? On segundo thought, make my omelette a meat pie.
Kronk: Meat pie. Check.
Yzma: Kronk! Can I order the potatoes as a side dish?
Kronk: I'll have to charge you full price.
Yzma: [annoyed] Ooh.
Kuzco: Hey, how about a side of potatoes, my buddy?
Kronk: You got it. Want cheese on those potatoes?
Yzma: Thank you, Kronk. Cheddar will be fine.
Kronk: Cheddar spuds coming up.
Kuzco: Spuds yes, cheese no.
Kronk: Hold the cheese.
Yzma: No, I want the cheese.
Kronk: Cheese it is.
Kuzco: Cheese me no "likee."
Kronk: Cheese out.
Yzma: Cheese in!
Kronk: Ah, come on. Make up your mind!
Kuzco: Okay, okay, on segundo thought...
Yzma, Kuzco: ...make my potatoes a salad.

Yzma: A llama? He's supposed to be *dead*.
Kronk: Yeah, weird.

[the palace guards have been transformed into animals]
Yzma: Get them!
Cow Guard: Hey, I've been turned into a cow. Can I go home?
Yzma: You're excused. Anybody else?
Other Guards: No, no. We're good.

Yzma: [handing him a bottle of poison] Take it, Kronk. Oh ho ho! Feel the power.
Kronk: Oh... I can feel it.
Yzma: Our moment of triumph approaches! Ha ha ha ha ha! It's jantar time!

Kuzco: Oh, and por the way, you're fired.
Yzma: Fired? W-W-What do you mean, "fired"?
[Kuzco snaps his finger and a servant comes in and writes down Yzma's "pink slip"]
Kuzco: Um, how else can I say it? "You're being let go." "Your department's being downsized." "You're part of an outplacement." "We're going in a different direction." "We're not picking up your option." Take your pick. I got more.

Yzma: Kronk! Why did I think you could do this? This one simple thing! It's like I'm talking to a monkey.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Whoa now!
Yzma: A really, really big stupid monkey named Kronk!
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Ouch.
Yzma: And do you want to know something else? I've never liked your espinafre puffs!
[Kronk, Shoulder Angel, and Shoulder Devil all simultaneously gasp]
Yzma: Never!
[Kronk begins to cry]
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: That's it.
[cocks pitchfork like a gun]
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: She's goin' down.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Now, now, remember, guys. From above, the wicked shall receive their just reward.
[they look up at the chandelier which is illuminated with heavenly light while angelic música plays]
Kronk's Shoulder Angel, Kronk's Shoulder Devil, Kronk: That'll work.
[Kronk cuts the rope to the chandelier, but it falls around Yzma, instead of on her]
Kronk: Strange. That usually works.
Yzma: And so does *this*!
[pulls lever for trap door]
Kronk: Ah. Should've seen that coming. Whoa!

Kuzco: I can't believe this is happening!
Yzma: Then I bet you weren't expecting *this*.
[Yzma pulls up her dress. Kuzco and Pacha scream]
Yzma: [revealing a faca strapped to her thigh] Aha!
[Kuzco and Pacha sigh with relief]
Kuzco: Oh, okay.

Yzma: [squeaky voice] Looking for this?
[clutching her throat]
Yzma: Is that my voice?
[coughs]
Yzma: Is that *my* voice? Oh, well.

Yzma: Kuzco is dead, right? Tell me Kuzco's dead. I need to hear these words.
Kronk: [nervously] Uh, do you need to hear all those words exactly?
Yzma: [angry] He's still *alive*?
Kronk: Well, he's not as dead as we would have hoped.
Yzma: Kronk!
Yzma: Just thought I'd give you a heads-up in case Kuzco ever came back.
Yzma: He can't come back!
Kronk: Yeah, that would be kinda awkward, especially after that lovely eulogy.
Yzma: You think? You and I are going out to find him. If he talks, we're through. Now let's move!

Yzma: It is no concern of mine whether or not your family has... what was it again?
Peasant: Umm... food?
Yzma: Ha! You should have thought of that before you became peasants.

Yzma: And so, it is with great sadness that we mourn the sudden departure of our beloved prince, taken from us so tragically on the very eve of his eighteenth birthday.
Kronk: [sobbing] Poor little guy.
Yzma: His legacy will live in our hearts...
Kronk: He never had a chance.
Yzma: ...for all eternity.
[pause]
Yzma: Well, he ain't getting any deader! Back to work.

[Yzma is sleeping in a huge tent, while Kronk is in a tent so small it only covers his waist. Suddenly Kronk jerks awake]
Kronk: The peasant, at the diner!
[pause]
Kronk: He didn't pay his check.
[falls back asleep, but then jerks back up]
Kronk: It's the peasant who I saw leaving the city who disappeared into the crowd with Kuzco in the back of his cart. He must have taken him back to his village, so if we find the village, we find him, and if we find him, we find Kuzco. Oh, yeah, it's all comin' together. Yzma!
[runs into her tent]
Yzma: What?
[Yzma sits up with cold cream on her face and cucumbers on her eyes]
Kronk: [recoiling] Aah!
Yzma: This had better be good!

Yzma: That is the last time we take directions from a squirrel.

Yzma: Looking for this?
Yzma: [holds up the vial of human extract]
[Kuzco and Pacha gasp]
Kuzco: No! It can't be! How did you get back here before us?
Yzma: Uh...
[pauses]
Yzma: ...how *did* we, Kronk?
Kronk: Well, ya got me. por all accounts, it doesn't make sense.
[Kronk holds up a map of the two parties' trails, showing Yzma's and Kronk's falling down a canyon halfway through]
Yzma: Oh, well.

Yzma: This isn't poison. This is extract of... llama!
Kronk: You know, in my defense, your poisons all look alike. You might think about relabeling some of them.

Kuzco: No, no! Don't drop it!
Yzma Kitty: I'm not going to drop it, you fool! I'm going to drink it! And once I turn back into my beautiful self I'm going to *kill* you.

Yzma: That's it, Kronk! Break the door down!
Kronk: Break it down? Are ya kidding me? This is hand-carved mahogany.

Yzma: So, is everything ready for tonight?
Kronk: Oh, yeah. I thought we'd start off with sopa and a light salad, and then see how we feel after that.
Yzma: Not the dinner. You know...
Kronk: Oh, right. The poison. The poison for Kuzco, the poison chosen especially to kill Kuzco, Kuzco's poison. That poison?
Yzma: Yes! That poison.
Kronk: Got you covered.
Yzma: Excellent. A few drops in his drink, and then I'll propose a toast, and he will be dead before dessert.
Kronk: Which is a real shame, because it's gonna be delicious.

Yzma: Pull the lever, Kronk!
[Kronk pulls a lever, and Yzma falls into a pit]
Yzma: [as she is falling] Wrong lever!

[the drink is poisoned]
Yzma: Kronk, the emperor needs his... drink!
Kronk: Right. Oh...
[winks at Yzma]
Kronk: ...riiiiiiggghhht.
[goes to grab drink and realizes that he doesn't know which one it is; takes the drinks away to pour the poison again]
Kuzco: Hey, Kronky, everything okay back there?
Kronk: [mixing the drinks together before refilling all the cups] Oh, uh, the drinks were a bit on the, uh...
[small explosion from each of the cups]
Kronk: ...warm side. Hehe. Hey, did ya see that sky today? Talk about blue.
Yzma: Yes, Kronk. Riveting. A toast, to the emperor! Long live Kuzco!
Kronk: [to Yzma trying to make it sound like he's coughing] Don't drink the wine. Poison.

Yzma: Is there anything on this menu that is not swimming in gravy?

ChiCha: So, remind me again how you're related to Pacha?
Yzma: Why, I'm his third cousin's brother's wife's step-niece's great aunt. Twice removed.
ChiCha: Uh-huh.
Yzma: Isn't that right, Kronk?
[Kronk is playing jump rope with Chaca and Tipo]
Chaca: Ninety-nine monkeys jumping on the bed.
Kronk: One fell off and bumped his head.

Yzma: But... but Your Highness, I have been nothing if not loyal to the empire for... for many, many years.
Kuzco: Hey, everyone hits their stride. You just hit yours fifty years ago.

[last lines]
Kronk: My acorn is missing.
Junior esquilo Class: Squeak, squeakin', squeak, squeakity.
Kronk: Did you eat the acorn?
Junior esquilo Class: Squeaker, squeak, squeak, squeakin'?
Kronk: You owe me a new acorn.
Junior esquilo Class: Squeak squeak squeak, squeak, squeaker...
[one boy nudges Yzma]
Yzma Kitty: [sulky] Squeakin'.
Kronk: I'm so proud of you guys.

ChiCha: As I said before, you may remember, Pacha is not here. I'll be sure to tell him you stopped by.
Yzma: Oh, would you please? That would be just great.
[knocks her cup on the floor]
Yzma: Oops. Silly me.
ChiCha: [annoyed] No no, allow me.
[very pregnant, tries to squat to pick up cup]
Yzma: [joins Kronk jumping rope] She's hiding something. When I give the word we procurar the house.
Kronk: Ok, but I still have 94 monkeys to go.

Kuzco: [referring to Kronk] He's... what, in his late twenties?
Yzma: Hehe... I'm... not sure.