These bitches better watch out, because srsly, we're gonna steal their men.
It's been a long time since I wrote an article, but I guess we could say "I'm back".
In honour of Princes month, I decided to write an artigo on the hottest pieces of ass- I mean, the hottest princes. >.>
This'll probably be fun to read because I'm trying to eat and type at the same time whilst there are a gazillion fireworks going off outside (Google Bonfire Night. :/) which is all helped por me literally making this list up as I go.
SO, yeah, same as always, I'll swear as much as I fucking want, let's go look at those fine men. ;D
9) The Beast
Turn back. Not because we have beastiality, but because you're ugly.
Wait, what? The Prince isn't last? Well, erm, wow. I surprise myself.
Poor Beast. Not only does his personality get increasingly shitty as the film gets on, but he's a right old munter. To be fair, he does spend the film as a beast. But even when he transforms back, well... I think he may have hit every branch of the ugly árvore on the way down. No wonder Belle was confused - is that a man or a female bodybuilder? He looks like they took Belle, put her on a vast workout and dyed her hair. It's not a good look, believe me. He doesn't have the best taste in clothes either. Ok, so it was the early 90s and it had probably been in development since the 80s... But that's not an excuse. I can think of plenty of late 80s and early 90s films where the character have nice outfits. Erm... There was that one with... No. What about? No, that doesn't count... Give me a few minutes, I'll think of one.
To summarise, Beast is one ugly fucker.
8) The Prince
Oh dear, it appears the only way he get a woman is por catching them "unawares".
Oh, there he is! This guy really got the short end of the stick. I read somewhere that they cut this guy's screentime because they couldn't draw men right yet (apparently, dwarves =/= men) and, let's be honest, they were right.
First off, he's short. Really short. He's about as tall as Snow and she was towered over por that hunter guy... Yeah, he was so tall-looking. :/ I mean, she can fit in the dwarves' house, she's probably barely 5 foot. Poor Prince. D:
There's the whole lipstick thing, you've heard that 50 times already, I needn't mention it again. (Really, the feather doesn't help if they're trying to stray from the drag act image)
His face isn't amazing... He is just a woman with short hair and trousers. Ironic, seeing as Snow White looks like a man.
7) Prince Charming
"Yawn, like I care. I can buy women."
I really amor this guy, but seriously? My opinion of his image has improved slightly, in the way that he's sort of regal in stature... But that's about it. He looks like a melted Ken doll, to say the least, and his outfit was evidently the only one in the box that didn't leave him in a dress. He has a nice smile when he boogies and he looked sort of sweet in the third film... But that's mais because they took the original character, put a big fat marker through him and started again.
Sure, Charming's a classic. Classically ugly.
"Phillip, I may be boring but I have standards."
Meh, Phillip. In keeping with his personality, this guy's image is bloody boring. He's not ugly (in fact, disney finally got men right) but he just doesn't stand out. His outfit is bland, his hair is bland, his face is bland...It's like they put him there and went "Pfft, Aurora's beautiful por fucking magic, she'll weigh it out."
I suppose, in a way, he's sort of sweet looking. But mais in the way of "aw, that guy's sort of cute" rather than "YES, I WANT TO RAPE HIM, SOMEONE HELP ME AMBUSH HIM INTO A CUPBOARD".
Once again, I have to cut a summary of Phillip short for fear of falling asleep.
And that, princes below, is how you get a woman.
Aladdin's cute, pretty much verging on hot. He has that sweet boyish charm that makes you want to go "MMMMM, HE CAN CLIMB MY ROOFTOPS" whilst, at the same time, making you go "No Officer, I wasn't feeling up the school children." GODDAMNIT ALADDIN, GO THROUGH PUBERTY FASTER. He's like fucking Justin Beiber, except he's nothing like Justin Beiber, because he can sing and he's good looking and his lack of puberty probably isn't medicine-induced.
Though, I do fear for Aladdin. He has no nipples. I mean really Disney, did your nipple-coloured felt tip run out, or is there some weird disease that causes them to drop off? Or are nipples too manly for a 15 ano old rua rat? Even if he does make you want to sneak him down a dark alleyway.
aladdin has nice hair. Mmm, hair.
"I HEREBY SUMMON MY BAMF POWERS."
Eric's hot. He has an adorable smile and his sad faces are just SO cute! He has nice hair too.
I have an Eric ken doll (so suck on that, bitches) and he was like the total pimp. Mainly because I have 5 Ariels, and I insisted on him going "SHA LA LA LA LA, kiss DE GIRL" with all of them at once. He had plastic hair. Why do the guys always have plastic hair? Is it not manly to brush it for them? There are so many scratch marks in my males' hair-paint from attempted brushing.
WELL ANYWAY, back to Eric McSexy, he has such a nice shirt. Mmmm. Just peeking out his pecs. AND THOSE TIGHT TROUSERS, YES PLEASE. When I get a boyfriend, he better have the costume store on speed dial, so he can wear them. Yum.
I'd totally go on a cruise if the advertisement was full of sailors in Eric's trousers. O_______e
"Let's skip jantar and mover onto pudding. I can see something real sweet I'd like to taste."
Shang is hot shit. He's like the only Prince that gets properly topless. And you can tell mulan enjoyed it, just like every other girl watching. Who wouldn't? Those chiselled army muscles. He can make a man out of me any day.
His face is really cute. I adore it when he smiles. He has like one of the best serious faces ever. He's just like "Mmmm, yeah, time to be ho- I mean, serious."
If Shang wasn't such a bamf, you can tell the troops would totally try it on with him. He's too hot to resist. AND HE'S STILL NOT THE HOTTEST, oh yay us!
2) John Smith
Let's skip to the end, where he's single.
This guy just takes the sexy biscuit. Those sexy biscuits he keeps in his bag that even raccoons can't resist. He takes it so much that he has an unlimited supply. He's just hot.
His looks are so chiselled and manly - I ADORE HIS HAIR. Mmmm, those golden locks. Fuck Pocahontas, she might be hotass enough to let him leave and then grab an even hotter man (which once again begs the pergunta of "Why Rolfe?") but if Smithy went "BABY, COME LIVE WITH ME" I wouldn't hesitate to say yes and jump onto his ship. After all, if there's one thing disney has taught us, it's who needs family when you have a man? Especially a hot sexy man like Smithy.
"My instrument needs tuning. You will help me, yes?"
I mean really, could it be anyone else? If I had to choose one disney guy to be the epitome of true hot animation... I'd choose this guy. He takes hot shit, rips it in two and stands on it's plinth.
First off, there's his hair. LOOK AT IT, OMG. So curly and cute and yum. His face is fucking adorable, and his smile makes me shiver. Then there's that sexy voice that comes out of his hot lips. Mmm, yes.
HIS BODY, OH MY. I bet he's got some chiselled abs under those tasteful little clothes. His feet are magical, they dance around like My Little pónei, pônei on speed.
When I say this guy can pluck my strings any day, I mean it. It's a good thing that he's not real or they'd have to lock him up in a chastity cinto, correia for his own protection. And no-one wants to see such a hot hot HOT man go to waste.
(Even if there's someone hotter whose name starts with O and ends in Mar.)
That's your lot, now fuck off and do something productive with your life. Sort of like the opposite of what I'm doing now.
I might put something sexy down here, we'll have to see.
DERP, NO SEXY FER YOU.