Ok then! I felt that I should make one of these articles, so I can PROPERLY introduce myself. Plus, I want you guys to know a little mais about me! (Maybe even mais than you wanted to know)
It ALL began in Mexico City, Mexico on May 21 1998. This is when my parents, Lisa and Guy, gave birth to a beautiful baby boy...ME :) My true name is Felipe Carvika...I'm still not sure if I want to share my middle name :p
Fast progressivo, para a frente a few years: we all mover up to Detroit, Michigan. (No, we were not illegal immigrants....as far as you know). Coming along with us are my two sisters: Grace (now age 17) and Maddie (now age 13). Currently, I have a very adorable miniature schnauzer named Bailey :) she's about 5 years old now.
So, I spent most of my childhood in Detroit. My family was quite religious...very strictly Catholic. My childhood was pretty much LIVED at my church. A little about my ethnicity: there has been a lot of intermarriage in my family. I'm an interesting mix of Hispanic, Eastern European, and Arab. A lot of my relatives came from europa and the Middle East and settled in Mexico. I consider myself Mexican, but I'm in touch with the other cultures in my life. And there are a LOT: most of my extended family doesn't speak English, and they're of many religions: Muslim, Christian, Jewish, atheist, Buddhist, either por birth or por choice.
So back to my childhood: I was very imaginative as a kid. I spent a lot of my time alone, either drawing, or dia dreaming, or eating. But I never gained weight...even today I'm as thin as a rail. Don't get me wrong, I had friends! But they were never a large part of my life. A lot of the friends I did make preferred to spend time with my sisters, who were mais outgoing and rambunctious than I was. So....I ended up pretty lonely. So I kept myself company por making up characters!
(Embarrassing story: I kept a diary when I was little, and on one page, I made a list of my "friends." I ended up making up most of the names in my head, so I would feel better about myself. And when I got a facebook in my early teens, I made fake accounts so it would look like I had mais friends...pathetic right?)
Of course, everyone has a sad bullying story. And I have PLENTY. I was often picked on because of my high voice (which is slightly deeper now), my glasses, my body, or that I wasn't "masculine" enough. (Hence my hatred of gender norms). I was literally the ONLY boy in my classes who didn't like sports, or video games. I cried myself to sleep multiple times because I couldn't "fit in." Naturally, I ended up with a lot of female friends. And I'm still that way today. Let's face it, girls are usually a lot mais accepting and compassionate than boys. EXCEPT these mean popular girls who threw comida at me in middle school. >.>
But hey, my childhood wasn't totally miserable! I took pride in my artwork, and expressing my creativity. I won a few art and creative composição literária contests. I wasn't afraid to share my stories with the class! I wish it was the same way now, but unfortunately, I'm in high school. I would probably be pelted with tomatoes if I did that
Anyways, when I was about 8, my family and I left Detroit because of the poor economy. So we moved down to Raleigh, North Carolina. And that is where I live CURRENTLY.
Elementary school was quite uneventful. I was picked on a lot, but I was also the class clown! That was my way of sort of coping with things. I always had a "comment" to make :) most of the teachers knew I was a troublemaker. And this was one of the few times in my life where I had a lot of guy friends. We sort of just walked around the playground causing mischief. Of course, I have lost touch with every single one of them. But I think they thought I was a dork anyways.
Wow, this is really long O.o most of you guys have probably tuned out por now....but I'm gonna keep on TALKING. BECAUSE I AM GORGEOUS *hair flip*
My 4th grade teacher, Ms. Coltrane, was a huge inspiration. She inspired me to be creative, and to put my ideas on paper. I amor her so so much, and I worry about her. (She's quite overweight, and is becoming mais and mais immobile each day). I head back to the school to help her out whenever I'm on break. And she's so SWEET. She has this gentle southern drawl and....aww she's a sweet old woman. :)
Middle school was kind of a dark time for me. It was for everyone though, right? This is when SO many things about me began changing. Well, not changing....just...they revealed themselves. And this wasn't always a good thing. I became even mais awkward (ugh) and I lost all of my friends from elementary school. I had a close círculo of friends in 7th grade.....of course, I don't talk to them anymore. And THREE of them live in my neighborhood! Curse my social anxiety
In 8th grade, I had a very major realization about myself. I always knew I was different, from the dia I chose to play with Barbies instead of play football. >.> but this time, it wasn't just an observation. It was a FEELING. I had the pergunta every teenage boy is terrified of.. Am I GAY?
The words played over and over in my head: sinful. Wrong. Immoral. Disgusting. Unnatural. DONT BE GAY. I was terrified. Luckily, por this time, I didn't go to catholic church anymore. There was no church leader to fuel my hatred. But the damage was already done...I believed who I was...was disgusting. So, like many other closeted gay teens, I lived a double life. I pretended to be straight, while I still flirted with guys online. But I still hated myself. And wow...THIS alone is the reason I amor Frozen, Elsa in particular. Her character speaks to me, and I think you all can see why. She is so repressed, and conceals her emotions. That's exactly how I felt...and I began to hate myself. But I was falling in amor with one of my friends, Reggie :) so....LOTS OF EMOTIONAL TURMOIL HERE.
Now, I'm going to leave all the romance out of this....but I'll just say, he made me so happy. My coração skipped a beat whenever I saw his name pop up on my phone. It was definitely LOVE. AHHHHH!!!! I get borboletas in my stomach just thinking about it :) but I was still ashamed...so I pushed Reggie away. And now when I try to talk to him, he does the same. My coração breaks every day, because is missed my chance
But ANYWAYS....I became very depressed later that ano (2012). I'm guessing you've heard stories about closeted gay teens, and usually it doesn't end well. I was on the brink of killing myself. I had told some of my friends about my sexuality, and even my mom. But i still felt like a huge failure. A disappointment. This made me feel worse and worse and worse. I was sinking further....and further....down down down down down into a deep, dark, ABYSS. My thoughts became gruesome, morbid, and malicious. I turned my back on my friends, and they did the same to me. I was tired of my double life, and I was tired of the shame. I started talking to men who lived far away, and sometimes, much older men. I was taking very dangerous risks I didn't used to take. Things I used to enjoy, like drawing, didn't matter to me anymore. This was a very NEGATIVE point in my life, and I'm still recovering from it right now.
My anxiety made it worse. I was convinced everyone hated me. Whenever a friend simply poked fun at me, I instantly took it to heart. I would feel awful for the rest of the day. I can be very sensitive to criticism..,I always have. When I'm just having a conversation with someone, my feelings can be hurt por the tiniest thing. I was totally consumed por my thoughts. Like Elsa, I was my own worst enemy. I barely left my house....I sometimes talked to my friends at school, but I never saw them in public. I'm still the same way now...maybe that's why I can't keep any of my friends :p when I simply went to the grocery store, it took me hours to get ready. I had to look PERFECT. At school, I would always judge myself in the mirror. I would sometimes miss my classes, because I spent so much time fixing my appearance. My face would get all hot, and I would start crying. Because I felt hideous, inside and out.
Wow....sorry I'm sounding so dramatic o.o
And a lot has happened since 2012. I made a best friend....who I don't talk to anymore :/ but I also met a boy! And I actually held his hand! It felt so right...I felt lighting buzzing through my body. ZAP!! I felt all jittery!!! Unfortunately, his parents sent him to a "conversion camp." Then he began comparing me to Satan, and said my "demonic ways" were harmful. So yeah...fuck him. Oh yeah, and I also wrote a suicide letter...but I couldn't go through with it. I broke down and I told my parents how I had been feeling (about my depression and all). My Dad learned I was gay..but that is a WHOLE other story. Let's just say, he's working on accepting it. But I know he's really disappointed.
You might be happy to hear....I've been seeing a lot of therapists lately! And I've been taking my medicine, which helps balance out my mood. So I'm a LITTLE less psycho now :) I go to a support group, where I've made some good friends, who accept me just the way I am. Of course, school is still miserable. I can't wait to be done with it. And I don't usually do my homework, and I cheat on most of my tests and quizzes. So yes, I'm still improving. But that's what life is all about!!! I'm learning mais and mais about myself everyday. I am so excited for my future :) and the future I'll share with others!
Ok, thank god that's done....my fingers are totally numb from all the typing. Now I'm going to include a little basic information about me that might come in handy :)
Politics: I would say I'm quite liberal. Those of you not in the US....I'm very LEFT leaning. I support gay rights, birth control, diplomacy (I'm against war), maconha legalization, paid maternity leave, WOMEN's RIGHTS (my mom inspired me a lot)...I'm all for a very compassionate, empathetic society. So basically the opposite of America :) i am a big activist for all kinds of things. I started a club at my school to fight bullying, it's called Common ground. They wouldn't let me make a GSA
Physical appearance: I am quite tall and lanky. I think I'm about 6'0. My eyes are hazel/brown (they change colors). My hair is dirty blonde, but it's becoming brown mais and mais each day. I really want to dye it..but my parents say NO. I'm kind of pale for a Latino...but I'm not like WHITE. I can still get a tan if I want to.
Hairstyle: I have a buzz cut. My therapist advised it, because my hair consumed a lot of time and energy (I used to have one of those "scene" cuts, with the bangs covering one eye)
música taste: I amor a lot of stuff! Pretty much everything EXCEPT country and rap. Of course I amor disney :) I also like a lot of pop punk bands. And some screamo
Religion: I was baptized as a Catholic, but now I'm mais of a spiritual person. I don't believe in organized religion, all it does is cause conflict! I believe in an afterlife, and all of our spirits got somewhere :) being a disney fan...I believe in magic as well :)
Clothing: I comprar at American Eagle, GAP, H&M, Hot Topic, and PacSun. I amor urban outfitters...but it's insanely expensive -.-
Personality: awkward, uncomfortable, random, weird, zany, unusual, impulsive, neurotic, obsessive, strange, quiet, withdrawn, imaginative, creative
Hobbies: drawing, writing, dreaming, eating, sleeping, swimming, walking, running, talking, cuddling :)
AHHHHH!!!! Ok that's enough information for now. Anything else you want to know, or any comments you might have, PLEASE don't hesitate to tell me! If you think it might be private, just caixa de entrada me :)