“How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed por the ocean’s shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head”
*¨*¨*¨*¨*¨*
When he wakes up he is alone. Barely conscious he reaches out for her, finding nothing mais than empty, cool satin seguinte to him on the bed. He is suddenly wide awake and opens his eyes, only to realize something else; his head is killing him. A slow groan escaping his mouth he buries his head in the travesseiro trying to shut out the light coming from the window. He feels as if he has been run over por truck and then fed to stray dogs.
The thought of never looking at a tumbler of scotch again crosses his mind but he pushes it away. He is still Chuck baixo and while he could say he will never drink again, he really doesn’t believe in lying when it comes to things that actually matter. Lying while scheming is one thing, lying about alcohol is a whole other story. But as the flashes of pain running through his head die off - only to settle in a dull ache - there is really only one thing on mind;
Where is she?
He is well aware that her leaving was exactly what he was aiming for last night. But he just didn’t want to postpone the inevitable. People always leave; and he is always the reason that they do. That is the kind of person that he is. He fucked it up last night, just like he knew he would – like he always does. The last words his father spoke to him before leaving for Miami suddenly clear in his head; “Every time I think we’re making progress, you show your true colours.”
He can feel the panic rising, swirling around his gut, the needles returning. Pricking and poking at his insides. His breath strained as he tries to keep his head above the surface but still finding it too hard. He feels as if he is sinking, slipping back into the nothingness of the past days. The grief and the pain too much and too heavy to bear.
Feeling a sudden need to get out of the room, he sits up in the bed, swinging his feet down on the floor. Strokes of pain shooting through his head he stops, resting his head in his hands, rubbing his temples. Trying to inhale calmly, trying to convince his body that there is no way he wiill allow himself to be sick again, trying to get his act together so that he can get on with the breakings of non spoken promises.
*¨*¨*¨*¨*¨*
Walking through the door she stops as she sees him sitting on the bed, his back towards her. A flutter in her coração at the sight of him, a smile on her lips. You are the best thing in my life Chuck Bass, she thinks to herself.
He looks broken as he sits on the cama – like the shattered carafe she was sweeping off the floor earlier - running his fingers through his dishevelled hair, rubbing his face. Still – broken or not – he’s the best thing in her life and she is determined to fix him.
I will glue you back together.
*¨*¨*¨*¨*¨*
She is back.
He can sense her presence - as always – and turns around to look at her. She is standing in the door way, still dressed in the same outfit she wore yesterday. Her saia a little wrinkled, her hair messed up. God, she is so beautiful, she is the most beautiful girl he has ever seen.
And he needs to leave.
As he jumps to his feet another flash of pain shots through his head, causing him to wince. His hands with a firm grip of his head - as if to keep it from falling of - he is once again forced to concentrate solemnly on not throwing up.
She is the first one to speak;
“Hey” she says, soft voice, a smile on her lips. “You are up, it is still early.”
“Well…I...uhm..” He clears his throat “I…I thought you had left”
To his surprise the feelings that just moments atrás had him running towards the nearest bottle, now has him Frozen - Uma Aventura Congelante on the spot wanting nothing mais than to hold on to her and never let go. Wanting her to make it all go away.
“What? No, I just went to get you this” She looks surprised, showing him the water bottle she is holding in her left hand. “And these” Reaching in to the pocket of her saia she shows him two white pills. Aspirin.
“Figured you might need these when you woke up.”
She walks up to him and hands him the bottle and the pills, watching him as he downs them, emptying half the bottle of water in the process.
“It is nice seeing you drinking water for a change”
A sting of guilt accompanies the nothingness in his chest. Knowing that he had her worried, telling her all that horrible crap about not wanting her there…trying to force himself on her for God’s sake, only to break down like a sobbing fool in the seguinte second. He knows he fucked it all up. Swallowing hard, he looks into her eyes, searching for the right words. Because this time he knows it can’t be snide remarks, or witty banter between them. This time he believes that he needs to apologize and make her stay because he needs her there.
“Listen…Blair” He starts off, but she cuts him off.
“You really don’t have to say anything, Chuck” She says, and he is surprised at first, momentarily stunned. But he still knows that he does need to say something, and all of a sudden his head is filled with words. Important words that he can’t hold back.
“No, really, listen. I am sorry. I am so sorry” He blurts out “I am such an ass, I fucked everything up…I can’t believe you didn’t tell me to go to hell. That you didn’t just…give up”
“You weren’t ‘fucking’ things up…you were hurting” She looks at him, a sad smirk on her face. “And I don’t think you were far off from there to begin with.”
“Besides” and he can see a hint of a smile in her eyes now. “Someone once told me about the importance of perseverance...” She pauses and he can tell that she is waiting for him to catch on to what she is saying as she frases his best man’s speech from his father’s wedding. “…that in the face of true amor you don’t just give up – even if the object of your affection is begging you to.”
The smile in her eyes reaching her lips, “You’re stuck with me Bass”
And in that segundo it all comes rushing back to him - all that only hours atrás seemed to belong to a different lifetime. And he knows that he needs to tell her. Needs to finally put into words what they have already acknowledged. He knows that he wants to give her those words in return for what she has done for him. How she has saved him, how she is saving him. But mostly because they are the truth.
Three words, eight letters
“I amor you”
She is in his arms before he knows it and he clings to her once again. Feeling the nothingness inside of him filling up with the scent of her and the feel of her arms around him. After some time they climb back into bed, and still in a tight embrace they fall asleep again as the snow starts falling outside the window.
*¨*¨*¨*¨*¨*
She wakes up before him once more. Laying beside him watching him sleep, trailing his features with her fingers. Careful not to wake him, but still a part of her wanting him to open his eyes and look at her. God, she could spend the rest of her life in this cama as long as he was there beside her, looking at her.
A part of her feels like she shouldn’t be this happy right now, that it is hardly appropriate being this on-top-of-the-world-happy when it hasn’t been a week since the funeral. But she is, and she’s praying she will always be.
Suddenly she can feel him stirring, a faint flutter under his closed eyelids as he draws her closer to him. Then he opens his eyes, brown eyes meeting brown eyes, and she knows that no matter how wrong it may be – she is happier in this segundo than she has ever been in her life.
*¨*¨*¨*¨*¨*
When he wakes up again, he already know he is not alone. Because for the first time in days, he doesn’t wake up wanting nothing mais than to fall back into unconsciousness, to be numb.
Because this time he wakes up to the feeling of her fingers against his skin and he doesn’t need to reach out for her because she is already in his arms.
Because this time he wakes up feeling like nothing mais than a boy in amor with the girl of his dreams.
*¨*¨*¨*¨*¨*
“If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright
I know everything will be alright
So overwhelmed por the ocean’s shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head”
*¨*¨*¨*¨*¨*
When he wakes up he is alone. Barely conscious he reaches out for her, finding nothing mais than empty, cool satin seguinte to him on the bed. He is suddenly wide awake and opens his eyes, only to realize something else; his head is killing him. A slow groan escaping his mouth he buries his head in the travesseiro trying to shut out the light coming from the window. He feels as if he has been run over por truck and then fed to stray dogs.
The thought of never looking at a tumbler of scotch again crosses his mind but he pushes it away. He is still Chuck baixo and while he could say he will never drink again, he really doesn’t believe in lying when it comes to things that actually matter. Lying while scheming is one thing, lying about alcohol is a whole other story. But as the flashes of pain running through his head die off - only to settle in a dull ache - there is really only one thing on mind;
Where is she?
He is well aware that her leaving was exactly what he was aiming for last night. But he just didn’t want to postpone the inevitable. People always leave; and he is always the reason that they do. That is the kind of person that he is. He fucked it up last night, just like he knew he would – like he always does. The last words his father spoke to him before leaving for Miami suddenly clear in his head; “Every time I think we’re making progress, you show your true colours.”
He can feel the panic rising, swirling around his gut, the needles returning. Pricking and poking at his insides. His breath strained as he tries to keep his head above the surface but still finding it too hard. He feels as if he is sinking, slipping back into the nothingness of the past days. The grief and the pain too much and too heavy to bear.
Feeling a sudden need to get out of the room, he sits up in the bed, swinging his feet down on the floor. Strokes of pain shooting through his head he stops, resting his head in his hands, rubbing his temples. Trying to inhale calmly, trying to convince his body that there is no way he wiill allow himself to be sick again, trying to get his act together so that he can get on with the breakings of non spoken promises.
*¨*¨*¨*¨*¨*
Walking through the door she stops as she sees him sitting on the bed, his back towards her. A flutter in her coração at the sight of him, a smile on her lips. You are the best thing in my life Chuck Bass, she thinks to herself.
He looks broken as he sits on the cama – like the shattered carafe she was sweeping off the floor earlier - running his fingers through his dishevelled hair, rubbing his face. Still – broken or not – he’s the best thing in her life and she is determined to fix him.
I will glue you back together.
*¨*¨*¨*¨*¨*
She is back.
He can sense her presence - as always – and turns around to look at her. She is standing in the door way, still dressed in the same outfit she wore yesterday. Her saia a little wrinkled, her hair messed up. God, she is so beautiful, she is the most beautiful girl he has ever seen.
And he needs to leave.
As he jumps to his feet another flash of pain shots through his head, causing him to wince. His hands with a firm grip of his head - as if to keep it from falling of - he is once again forced to concentrate solemnly on not throwing up.
She is the first one to speak;
“Hey” she says, soft voice, a smile on her lips. “You are up, it is still early.”
“Well…I...uhm..” He clears his throat “I…I thought you had left”
To his surprise the feelings that just moments atrás had him running towards the nearest bottle, now has him Frozen - Uma Aventura Congelante on the spot wanting nothing mais than to hold on to her and never let go. Wanting her to make it all go away.
“What? No, I just went to get you this” She looks surprised, showing him the water bottle she is holding in her left hand. “And these” Reaching in to the pocket of her saia she shows him two white pills. Aspirin.
“Figured you might need these when you woke up.”
She walks up to him and hands him the bottle and the pills, watching him as he downs them, emptying half the bottle of water in the process.
“It is nice seeing you drinking water for a change”
A sting of guilt accompanies the nothingness in his chest. Knowing that he had her worried, telling her all that horrible crap about not wanting her there…trying to force himself on her for God’s sake, only to break down like a sobbing fool in the seguinte second. He knows he fucked it all up. Swallowing hard, he looks into her eyes, searching for the right words. Because this time he knows it can’t be snide remarks, or witty banter between them. This time he believes that he needs to apologize and make her stay because he needs her there.
“Listen…Blair” He starts off, but she cuts him off.
“You really don’t have to say anything, Chuck” She says, and he is surprised at first, momentarily stunned. But he still knows that he does need to say something, and all of a sudden his head is filled with words. Important words that he can’t hold back.
“No, really, listen. I am sorry. I am so sorry” He blurts out “I am such an ass, I fucked everything up…I can’t believe you didn’t tell me to go to hell. That you didn’t just…give up”
“You weren’t ‘fucking’ things up…you were hurting” She looks at him, a sad smirk on her face. “And I don’t think you were far off from there to begin with.”
“Besides” and he can see a hint of a smile in her eyes now. “Someone once told me about the importance of perseverance...” She pauses and he can tell that she is waiting for him to catch on to what she is saying as she frases his best man’s speech from his father’s wedding. “…that in the face of true amor you don’t just give up – even if the object of your affection is begging you to.”
The smile in her eyes reaching her lips, “You’re stuck with me Bass”
And in that segundo it all comes rushing back to him - all that only hours atrás seemed to belong to a different lifetime. And he knows that he needs to tell her. Needs to finally put into words what they have already acknowledged. He knows that he wants to give her those words in return for what she has done for him. How she has saved him, how she is saving him. But mostly because they are the truth.
Three words, eight letters
“I amor you”
She is in his arms before he knows it and he clings to her once again. Feeling the nothingness inside of him filling up with the scent of her and the feel of her arms around him. After some time they climb back into bed, and still in a tight embrace they fall asleep again as the snow starts falling outside the window.
*¨*¨*¨*¨*¨*
She wakes up before him once more. Laying beside him watching him sleep, trailing his features with her fingers. Careful not to wake him, but still a part of her wanting him to open his eyes and look at her. God, she could spend the rest of her life in this cama as long as he was there beside her, looking at her.
A part of her feels like she shouldn’t be this happy right now, that it is hardly appropriate being this on-top-of-the-world-happy when it hasn’t been a week since the funeral. But she is, and she’s praying she will always be.
Suddenly she can feel him stirring, a faint flutter under his closed eyelids as he draws her closer to him. Then he opens his eyes, brown eyes meeting brown eyes, and she knows that no matter how wrong it may be – she is happier in this segundo than she has ever been in her life.
*¨*¨*¨*¨*¨*
When he wakes up again, he already know he is not alone. Because for the first time in days, he doesn’t wake up wanting nothing mais than to fall back into unconsciousness, to be numb.
Because this time he wakes up to the feeling of her fingers against his skin and he doesn’t need to reach out for her because she is already in his arms.
Because this time he wakes up feeling like nothing mais than a boy in amor with the girl of his dreams.
*¨*¨*¨*¨*¨*
“If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright
I know everything will be alright
What Bella would look like...
